July 1, 2010

Thoughts about Rules

The core of her comment, "as for resenting the rules, i have no idea. i've never done this sort of thing before. however, just because the rules are made doesn't mean that they can't be changed! if i were to start feeling resentful of rules, obviously we would sit down and discuss and make changes. i wouldn't resent luke, because this is all a collaborative process... we chose together to have rules because we thought it would be sexy, so if it stops being sexy then there is no reason to continue having rules."

As a dominant I love reactions to rules, admittedly they are not always positive but when they are, it is the icing on the cake of the Dom/sub relationship. How much fun it is to get these kinds of reactions:
  • . . . a shower when I get home from work, against my resistance to water and time spent, but following his instructions anyway turning me on . . .
  • I enjoyed the reading more and more because I was doing what he had told me to do . . .
  • The instruction was simple, and it came with the beginning of a story, to add to my distraction.
  • I start thinking about rules. I like rules. What could be a list of rules?
  • . . . doing sexual things I don't want to because someone's enjoying making me.
Of course there are going to be serious rules too, made for the welfare or well being of one or the other, or both people. But on balance, make rules that titillate, challenge, arouse, frustrate, tease, entertain, stimulate, and so on.

Again, if you start resenting rules, sit down and change them, don't let that resentment creep into the relationship, and poison the fun. Relationships are supported to be fun, no? Yes!

"If you're not in it for fun, I'm outta here!"


  1. I will jump on this bandwagon and declare I am one of the many David mentions. Rules should be fun and work.

  2. David:

    I really enjoyed this post. It was great to read your point of view on the topic and your examples illustrate how a submissive can enjoy her rules. It has soooo much to do with wanting to please/not wanting to displease the dominant.

    In my experience, a well thought out rule has enormous value and it works best when the submissive understands the reason for the rule and the purpose for instigating the rule.

    The fun comes in large part from the interchange of the dominant and submissive. Submissives, complex beings as they are, thrive on containment. She may be doing something she would not do of her own accord, (even if that were the best idea in the world for her own well being) but it is the fact that he is enforcing it and keeping her honest that gives her such a buzz.

    Of course, there is the other kind of rule too; for example, you must have at least one orgasm a day. That can be fun! As one submissive friend said to me, "It is a hard job, but somebody has to do it."


  3. rules are definitely no fun if they make you resent your Dom. i think the very point of a rule is to bring you closer in a relationship. if it's causing tension then they have no place there!

  4. Fun rules are so important. Like many women I tend to feel guilty if I am having fun because that involves being a bit selfish at times. But if it's a rule then there is nothing I can do about it so it takes away the guilt.

  5. I think this is an important reminder. Every individual and couple need to find their own, personally workable comfort zone -- of course there is no one size fits all *smile* -- but I think this bears emphasizing simply because it is actually shockingly easy for rules to go too far. For the Ds dynamic itself to go too far in a negative direction.

  6. So true. A good post.

    I noticed your blog has me on your Internet Bookshelf. Thank you!!!!!!! :)

  7. hi david, thanks so much for fleshing out this idea. i think that sometimes we can get caught up in making sure everyone knows how seriously we take our roles... and consequently we can forget the exact point that you're making in this post. yes, relationships are supposed to be life-enriching and (though they take work) to help us feel good.

  8. Thank you all for your affirmative comments, this is an area where it is all too easy to take ourselves too seriously, and miss the point of our relationships.

    My inclination is to establish "fun and playful" and even erotic rules at first. This gives us a chance to see and appreciate each other in a less threatening way. As the connection develops and deepens, there may come the need for more serious, controlling rules.

    I think some people are inclined to over do the rules, less is more, or perhaps more over-reaching rules, "I want quiet in the evenings" are more effective. And also, I am more inclined toward "do" rather than "don't" rules.

  9. I agree... we are constantly rearranging rules and stuff to suit our needs at the time. Asha prefers the do rules too... I don't think I have any don't rules at the moment. What's the point in having rules that cause conflict?

  10. Such an interesting post.
    I have no rules from another at this moment and actually he may never give me rules.. sigh.

    I do agree.. fun RULES when rules are fun!

  11. Me like!

    I like the idea that following a rule should me more fun than not following the rule (regardless of the rule's "end" i.e., developmental import, and regardless of threats of punishment).

    I especially like the idea that an activity can become (erotic) fun simply by being rule-governed. As if one is primarily playing the game and only secondly following the prescribed activity.

    A lot of meat. Thank you.


  12. rules! yes!

    IMHO, rules help subs define themselves in our D/s relationship, and give us a way to give back, offer our obedience to our Dom. I love having rules.


  13. turiya, yes, adaptation and a positive, doing style ought to be primary, often.
    nancy, very nice, fun rules when rules are fun ;-)
    P7, I am inclined to agree but think that following the rule should be primary, and the design should result in fun, enlightenment or arousal.
    'nilla, why am I not surprised?