May 24, 2008

More on Ignoring

Ignoring in the context of the previous question about submission is not intended to be the kind of ignoring as you would a precocious child, or shunning.

In the original statement is the phrase "her desires unimportant - being ignored", meaning her desires being ignored, not her. Actively ignored, knowing exactly what she wants, at that moment, more than anything else, and withholding it. Some times there are incidences that are a response to bad or shady behavior, which she employs specifically to draw a reaction. Perhaps she is being sassy to provoke discipline, punishment, or a spanking. Active ignoring might well respond to that desire for a spanking with a much less palpable activity, such as prolonged corner time. But this is not the kind of ignoring that raised the initial question.

I think the way I posted the question was unclear. There's a stated question in the text, but that's not really the question that was asked. The question was more about needs being ignored overall, rather than about incidences involving purposeful ignoring. A submissive being told she is an object, her desires unimportant versus the intense attention and care that many dominants clearly give.

As she says in the question, she is, ". . . drawn to D/s by the quality of attention described. Punishments or pleasure given with care, responses noted" and notes that clearly the dominant knowing what she wants, and is giving it to her, but perhaps on his own terms, and in his own fashion? But so often she reads in the blogs the dominant saying, "what you want doesn't matter, your needs don't matter," but it's a thing that's said to have an effect, in some ways true, but also not at all.

This is the disconnect that appears to create the confusion, and hence the question.

Perhaps the clarification is embodied in, "The needs of my Master are more important than my own, because I trust my Master to meet and care for my needs, that leaves me free to focus on his needs."

May 15, 2008

Do you have an inclination for BDSM? - a quiz

You scored as a Dominant
Sex is about power and you like to be powerful. It's nice to be in charge and get what you want. And being in a position where people will do what you say is exciting.

93% - Dominant
64% - Experimental
57% - Sadist
46% - Exhibitionist/Voyeur
25% - Switch
21% - Bondage
18% - Degradation Lover
14% - Vanilla
7% - Submissive
7% - Masochist

(Note from the quiz author: This quiz doesn't cover all aspects of BDSM due to the length that such a comprehensive quiz would be. It is sex-based because the psychological reasons behind fetishes are complex and different for everyone to some degree.)

May 12, 2008

Questions about submission

We have been talking about her growing awareness of her submissive desires, how more and more, she feels like something is missing. I suggested a blog to read.

After some reading, she said: "It brought back to mind one of my key questions . . . not so clearly a question really . . . I'm drawn to D/s by the quality of attention described. Punishments or pleasure given with care, responses noted, limits noticed and pushed. And then the contrasting idea - a sub being an object, her desires unimportant - being ignored. (Being purposefully ignored by someone who knows how you respond to that neglect - is that really being ignored?)"

"These things confuse me."

It occurs to me, that as a dominant, I will provide my point of view on this, but I think it would be worthwhile to hear something other than a man's point of view.

May 4, 2008

Experiencing her submissiveness

Marie had noticed men who looked at her "that way", who recognized the way she responds to their gaze, transfixed. These are not just horny men looking at a pretty girl; they knew something about her she barely knew herself, they were those men.

She had come to recognize her submissive nature, but still was conflicted at times because that feeling and desire in her is so vastly different from how she acts in her day to day life.

We talked for a long time about her feelings, and the unsettled feeling she had about what had happened, not that she was traumatized by being forced but how the sex of it had felt, and how she felt about the sex. She talked about wanting to have those feelings again, how she wanted to please men, to feel them in her like that. But she didn't know anyone she could have that kind of a relationship with, and how it was so outside of her “real life”.

However, there were men, there was Brad who operates a custom upholstery shop, Tony who runs the T-Shirt shop, and the man at the gas station/snack shop - - all of them were men she noticed looking at her “that way”. After a time, I suggested that if she wanted to pursue this that Brad seemed the best choice from everything she had said about them.

She developed a sexual submissive relationship with Brad over the next several months. She would stop and spend an hour or two with him, once or twice a week, and he led her deeper and deeper into her submission. One of her favorite things was being leaned over the back of a low couch, and having her wrists attached to restraints positioned down between the back cushion and seat. In this position she could barely move, was nearly impossible to see behind herself and was totally vulnerable. At first he blindfolded her, but eventually simply forbid her to look back, to keep her face buried between the cushions.

One day we were discussing her feelings about all of this and she commented on how erotic it was, amazed at his staying power, being able to engage her 4 and 5 and 6 times - - I expressed skepticism. She swore it was in fact what was happening. I began to ask more probing questions and suggested to her that it would be an amazing, if not super, man who could perform that way. To make a long story short, the next time she was there, she forced herself to look back and it was not Brad, but Tony. This was a total violation of her trust. She freed herself and left. She stopped in and spoke to him a couple times, expressing her outrage, but that was it. Bravo for her – clearly a violation of the trust and nature of their relationship.

Over the next year, she had fleeting relationships with others, young men closer to her own age, but they did not treat her the way she had become accustomed to with Brad. After long periods of consternation and discussions, she told me she was going to start seeing Brad again. She went and had a long discussion with him about how he has violated her trust in the past. They started up again and she enjoyed the time she spent with him. He is the only dominant man she has been able to establish that connection with.

Lately she had been talking about what happened with the two of them having her. She talked about how she missed that feeling and how she wanted it again. She decided that if she knew, in advance, and agreed to what was happening it would be okay.

Last week, she did again. She said, "But it is really a little scary, how it makes me feel." I didn't understand and asked what she meant? She said, "I just really like how it makes me feel. Not just how it feels, but how i feel letting them. Just being there to let them, because it feels so good. But it does scare me that I like how I feel. You don’t hear how my friends talk about other girls they think are sluts, but I am a total slut."

May 3, 2008

Not looking for this Daddy

In my previous post, I paraphrased a conversation with a girl named Joy, who seemed to be looking for a Daddy, was intended to be illustrative of a typical kind of conversation. Joy claimed a need for “someone who will watch over me, keep me in line, and make me accountable for myself and my actions. I’d want him to give me rules, chores and a curfew and enforce them”. Because of comments attached to the posting as well as questions I received via email and chat, this “typical” interaction seemed to take on a certain life of its own. One reader, ~L, asked a number of interesting probing questions and made me look at Joy in a different light.

In an effort to give the benefit of the doubt, overcome some skepticism on my part and to just satisfy a curiosity, I continued to have conversations with Joy and further learn what it was she really was seeking, if in fact she was seeking anything at all. Further discussions lead to some very clear conclusions; 1) Joy is looking for an older man to fulfill a daddy role in her life, but the definition is a very fuzzy mix between Daddy and father image, a point that ~L brought out during our comments back and forth, 2) Joy wants someone to spank her not just for transgressions or rule breaking, “I’ve thought a lot about going over your knee lately”, every day, “even if there is no punishment really needed for anything”, 3) she wants to be living with someone who will impose this discipline on her on a daily basis, and finally, 4) it is to be non-sexual, “this is not about a sex partner”, although on more than one occasion she would ask if I would mind if all she wore around the house was just a t-shirt or tank-top.

However, any attempts to steer the conversation to the need for watching over, keeping in line, accountability, rules, chores, curfew and enforcement, always focused on enforcement and spanking. Clearly Joy has spanking fetish.

Finally I declared that this arrangement was not going to work out, because frankly, “I cannot imagine having an attractive “young little-girl daughter” running around in nothing but a t-shirt, who I lay across my lap bare bottomed and spank each night at bedtime, and not have any sexual response”. (I am sure there are those who could conduct that kind of a spanking discipline on a regular basis, but frankly I am not that kind of a sadist but God bless them that can.) She countered by a suggestion that maybe she could be a maid, or housekeeper, some position where she would feel okay about some sexual interaction, not being someone’s “daughter”, and maybe only oral, “all you would ever want”, and then a couple of other postulations but finally, we agreed that I was probably not the right Daddy.

It very well could be that Joy is looking for a father figure, a disciplinarian to guide her into young adulthood as ~L suggested. But, I am inclined to agree with Alice who commented, I think that many of these young women are craving dominance, but I am sure many are just exploring and dabbling. "Playing" at submissiveness and truly submitting are two (very) different things.

Am I wrong?