Dominant and submissive

Pearls of wisdom? Perhaps not, but nice words to read. I received both of these pieces in emails from the local BDSM club, I liked them enough to share them. While they use specific words, Master and slave, I think they are generally applicable to most BDSM relationships or any relationship perhaps? (I do not know their origins):

Master/Dominant
A Man who displays sensitivity will be a Master who is sensitive to you.
A Man who displays humility will be a Master who will show you respect.
A Man who is quiet will be a Master who will hear your quietest whisper.
A Man who knows fear will be a Master who will not leave you to face yours alone.
A Man who will listen to a child will be a Master who will always work to understand your words.
A Man who can stand alone will be a Master who will not crush you under His weight.
A Man who controls Himself with ease will be a Master with the ability to control you in the same way.
A Man who does not have to prove His point will be a Master with many worthwhile points to share.
A Man who never makes demands will be a Master who treasures anything you give.
A Man who doesn't run after you will be a Master you will never need to run away from.
A Man who is calm will be a Master who can weather your storms.
A Man who has walked the path to peace will be a Master able to guide you along that path.
A Man who does not shout will be a Master who will never deafen you.
A Man who knows Himself will be a Master who will have time to know you.
A Man with an open mind will be a Master who never stops learning.
A Man who never stops learning will be a Master who never stops growing.
A Man who always seeks to be the best He can be for you is the only Man truly worthy of being called your Master.

slave/submissive
slavery is not about suffering . . . it is about service.
slavery is not about humiliation . . . it is about humility.
slavery is not about being used . . . it is about being of use.
slavery is not about control . . . it is about letting go.
slavery is not about proving anything . . . it is about being real.
slavery is not about contempt . . . it is about respect.
slavery is not about how you look . . . it is about how you care.
slavery is not about punishment . . . it is about discipline.
slavery is not about being unable to escape . . . it is about being committed.
slavery is not about fear . . . it is about trust.
slavery is not about sex . . . it is about love!!!

. . . one of the hardest things about slavery is the fine line separating communication and obedience . . .

Meeting, Come to Order

This is Part 3 - - - Part 2 - - - Part 1

Her bound hands remained in place, over his, pressing him against herself. He barely moved his hand, slowly working his fingers, he squeezed and pressed against her sex, even harder and then said, "Now, more." And more she did, and again she did, a third time.

Then, there was a quiet and timeless few minutes with her head buried in the crook of his neck, against his shoulder, and it muffled her whimpering, taking long, deep ragged breaths. He held her in place with his arm around her shoulder, around the back of her neck, she was weak and limp from the exertion. He held her against him, wrapped up in him, her wonderfully curved body.

It felt good to hold her against his chest; finally she began to regain her composure. He lifted her chin and smiled at her and kissed her still closed eyes. He brought both hands up to hold her face, and stared at her. She slowly opened her eyes, and looked at him, eyes glazed with pleasure. She struggled to keep them open; sensations were still racing through her body, showing in her face. Finally, she focused her eyes and smiled. He put his still damp fingers against her lips; she seemed confused until he parted her lips slightly. She grinned and moved her tongue against his fingers, licking the moisture from them, slowly cleaning them, and he pushed his fingers into her mouth.

When she paused and opened her lips in a smile, he moved his hands to the back of her head, pulled her forward and whispered into her ear, "Lie back", and he cupped the back of her neck and leaned forward, supported the weight of her torso and he let her lay back. He gently placing her head in the table and hold her cheek in his palm, smiling into her eyes. He leaned down over her and kissed her. She relaxed, caught her breath, smiled back up at him. He raised his hand, gestured for her to be still. Slowly he moved back toward a standing position, and slowly traced his hands down her cheeks, to the sides of her neck, and tickled her playfully in the little hollows above her collarbones. He loved that little shy smile. He spent some time scrapping her nipples with his fingernails through the light material of her dress as they continued to stiffen and grow with arousal, she smiled and murmured softly. When she started squirming, he stood up and rubbed his hand on her tummy. He felt her stomach muscles tense at his touch.

He reached down and hooked his hand under the back of each of her knees and lifted, lifted her legs up and bent her knees, and placed her feet on the edge of the table. He leaned over and kissed one of her knees, as he ran his hands up and down her thigh. Then he did the same to her other leg. He rose up and looked at her, "Relax sweetheart".

He reached back into his pocket and pulled out a second length of rope and tied it around one ankle, and then laced it through her wrists, over the bindings that were already in place. Then he brought the rope back down to her other foot and pushed her ankles back until her heels were against her bottom, he tied the rope around her second ankle. He put his hands on her knees, spread them slightly, and smiled down at her. She struggled to test the bindings, and found that all she could do was move her hands, and any movement of her feet just pulled her hand tighter down against the damp material. She moved her hands and felt herself, looked at him and said, "Swollen." He smiled back and said, "Yes, press harder, and rub side to side across it. Build it up like I taught you." And he walked away.

He walked around the room looking to see what else might be in the room. There was nothing in the room, nothing but the narrow conference table and the chairs along each side, and her. He walked back over to the side of table, pulled out a chair and sat down right beside her head. He leaned in toward her and she started to tilt her head to look at him, and he said, "Look straight ahead, concentrate." Her breathing was getting more and more ragged, with occasional long, deep breaths. He put his mouth to her ear, "Keep rubbing yourself, back and forth baby." "Whose girl are you?" She just laughed and smiled, still trying to take in more air than she was able.

"Whose?" he asked again?
"I am yours." she whispered.
"Good girl. You remember your training? You remember our word?"
"Yes." she gasped.
"Keep rubbing."

Her swollen nipples showed prominently through the light cotton jersey dress, he rolled the top down, exposing her full breasts and oh so hard nipples. He reached up and took hold of one, rolled it between his thumb and and the side of his index finger. He took a tighter grip and squeezed/rolled, as she wiggled and arched her back. He kept pulling on her nipple; she gasped and moaned even more.

"Ready baby?"
"Yes, oh yes.", barely audible.
Her body started to shiver as if she was cold, chilled, and he knew.

"Three."

"Two."

Her whole body stiffened, back arched, neck straining back. Her head rocked from side to side. Her legs straining against the bindings, wanting to stretch out straight, unable to budge, pulling at her hands, down tighter.

"One."

He leaned in close, smiled at her and kissed her ear, then whisperspoke, "Now, baby, shi-shi-toi."

The Mark, and more?

People have asked about "the mark -- --" in the recent story. What does it mean, what was the purpose, including "I look forward to learning more with regards to the mark made upon her neck". and "I like the pen mark on the back of her neck, and I hope you address the significance of that.'

When I wrote the draft I made a margin note, Possession Taken. A declaration in the story, of his temporary ownership, and her willingness and compliance. The symbol used for the mark is Yin. "Yin represents the passive, receiving, recipient, malleable, matter, and is symbolized by the broken horizontal line, -- -- ." Online Encyclopedia of Western Signs and Ideograms

You can find no end of information on markings on the Internet, but coincidentally a fellow blogger recently made a post, being marked - which I think covers the more specific nature I am describing in a nutshell, although I think he finds some discomfort about the action, and the desire and motivations.

In the context of this story, it is the celebration of an on-going relationship, when they finally have their first face to face meeting. He memorializes that moment with a mark of possession. His possession is answered with her smile, [“Are you ready now?” she smiled slightly, and he knew.]

and more? for me, more is not two, more can be three, or more; but more is never two.

First Meeting, Meeting Room

This is Part 2 - - - Part 1

He whispered into her ear, "Come with me sweetheart." and they went up the long flight of stairs. At the top they stood at the end of a long wide lobby with doors to meeting rooms along each side, and floor-to-ceiling windows at the far end. In a few hours the area would be teeming with conventioneers, but for now it was as if they were in a private personal place, quiet, elegant, lavish, just the two of them.

He took her by the wrist, and started walking toward the windows. In response to his grip on her wrist she fell quiet and calm, walked slowly, and lowered her gaze. When they reached the windows, he moved and stood behind her. He put his face into her hair and breathed in her scent, fresh and clean. He pushed his hands up her neck and moved her hair aside, she tilted her head forward in response to the pressure. He took his pen and made the mark -- -- on the back of her neck just below her hairline, then let his hands slide down so they rested on her shoulders. He tilted his head and kissed and then bit the nape of her neck – he felt her shiver, then a slight shake. He savored the feel of her skin on his lips, skin he had imagined for so long, finally present, under his touch, it stirred him to hear her soft murmuring sounds.

She lifted her head up slightly and broke his concentration. He moved his arms so they were wrapped around her, enveloping her arms/torso, with one arm under and one on top of her breasts. He moved his arms and squeezed them together, clamped her breasts between them. He longed to pull the top of her dress down and take a breast in each hand, clenching each between the heel of his hand and his fingers, massaging and tormenting. But again, he fought against the urgency of his desire, and loosened his hold on her. He let his arms down and took hold of a wrist with each hand, brought them behind her back and crossed her wrists at the small of her back. He held her wrists/hands there long enough that she understood to hold that posture, leaned to her ear and said, “Wait here.”

He walked down the rooms on the right side, reading meeting announcements and times, down to the end, across and back up the other side until he found one of the smaller rooms, not scheduled until 1:00 pm. He opened the door, looked in and saw a conference table, surrounded by chairs, but otherwise empty. He walked back to her where she stood as still as a statue, her wrists crossed behind her back, head down and hair over the sides of her face, humming a soft and soothing unrecognizable tune. He stepped back in front of her, lifted her chin with his fingers until she looked at him. Her gaze faltered from his and he lifted her chin again. “Are you ready now?” she smiled slightly, and he knew.


He let go of her chin, put his hand on the back of her neck and guided her to the room, opened the door. She walked in, and stopped. “Give me your hand.” and he led her to the far end of the room. He boosted her up and seated her on the end of the long conference table, legs dangling, her knees slightly apart. He stepped up to her, pushed the hem of her dress up her thighs, his legs against the end of the table between hers and pressed his thumbs into the tender flesh where her thighs met her hips, she winced. He leaned in and kissed her, biting at her lower lip until she flinched and pulled back.

He took hold of her wrists and placed her hands between thighs. He took the thin black rope out of his back pocket, lifted her wrists up, and held her hands together. She held her wrists crossed and stared intently as he wrapped the rope around her wrists, then around itself, and tied the ends together. He let her hands back down, resting between her thighs. She looked up at him, and he saw tears in her eyes.

He stepped in close again and moved her bound hands so they were pressed up against the front of her bikinis, and held her hands in his and worked their fingers against the damp fabric. He moved his free hand to her cheek, tilted her face up more towards his. His lips moved very gently against hers, softly touched his lips to hers, and felt her breathing become more and more ragged.

His other hand pulled at the waist band of her bikinis and slipped down into the warmth and wetness. Her bound hands pressed hard against his, forcing him further and deeper. His hand cupped her pelvis, fingers forced deeper inside her. Her breathing becomes more and more ragged as she gasped for more air. He moved his mouth slightly to let her grab a bigger breath, then pressed back against her mouth and muffled her scream. Their hands remained in place, he pressed even harder and told her, “Now, more.”

Continued at Part 3

Waiting, Watching, Wanting, Willing

He had arrived early, walked around the lobby, familiarized himself with the layout of the space. The hotel lobby was nice and open, furnished with conversation nooks opposite the front desk. He sat down in one of the big chairs, where he could see the elevator foyer, where she would see him when she came out of the elevator and walked toward the front desk.

He envisioned her walking slowly across the lobby, approaching him, and putting out her hands. He would take hold of them and help her maintain her balance as she placed each knee between the outside of his thigh and the arm of the chair. Then, settle back and place her weight on his knees, sliding up closer against him, knees slipping deeper into the cushions, alongside his hips.

However, as he saw her approach he pushed that image up off him lap and out of his mind. He got up from the chair, and fell in stride beside her, taking hold of her hand and smiled down at her, locked in a gaze with those eyes he had imagined for so long, now so real, no longer flat images in photographs. She smiled back at him; he caught his breath in his throat and silently led her down the corridor of gift shops, toward the meeting rooms and the walkway to the parking garage.

Turning a corner they started up the stairway to the meeting rooms, as she took one step up, he pulled her hand back to spin her around. She turned to face him, standing one step up on the stairs, partially equalizing the height difference between them. He stood before her, looking squarely into her eyes and said, "I cannot believe you are really here." He reached out his hand and tenderly touched her cheek, and his hand slid back across her cheek, over her ear and pushed his fingers into her hair and took a firm grip. Her free hand moved up and hooked hold of the bend in his elbow.

They stood there still, her eyes locked onto his, and he heard her breathing deepen and falter. His body just barely touched hers, and as he held tight onto that grip of her hair, he pulled her head over to the side. She closed her eyes, smiled, and made a soft noise. He leaned forward, placed his mouth over hers, both of their mouths opened to the other. Steadily he sucked breath from her, and he felt her tongue start dancing against his, slowly, tentatively at first.

He let go of her hand and placed his on her hip, slip up under her shirt, and felt the soft warm curve of her waist. He pulled her closer, and moved his hand around across the muscles in the small of her back. He wrapped his arm around her back to the other side of her waist and pulled her firmly up against his stomach and chest.

He re-tightened his grip on her hair, pulled her head back slightly and forced his mouth harder onto and over hers, moving his tongue back and forth across her lips and teeth. As he pulled her even closer against him, he felt her pushing her pelvis forward, pressed hard against his hip, moving from side to side rubbing herself against him. He held her against him imagining they would blend into one.

Fighting against his building passion, and the immediacy of his desires, he pulled back from the kiss. He leaned back slightly, removed his hand from her hair, and moved it to her throat, pushed up and lifted her gaze, and stared into her eyes. Then he leaned forward and whispered into her ear, "Come with me sweetheart." and he led her up the stairs.

Continued at Part 2

One Foot in Each World

I discovered this blogosphere realm from a dominants site, I was Googling for some information and found a particularly good blog and it led me to a couple of blogs that attracted my further interest and attention, I read them for a while, and was inspired to begin my own. More and more my reading expanded, and over time I began to recognize a couple of distinctly different styles of blogs. I originally thought of them as the sex blogs and the BDSM blogs, although I don't know that those generalizations are wholly accurate. I guess I will just use the styles set by Love Boudoir to avoid making up my own semantics, Erotica and Kink. What follows are generalizations:

Erotica, featuring straight, vanilla, sometime edgy, but always delicious erotic pleasure..., I think these folks generally refer to themselves as sex bloggers, generally have a very open attitude toward sexual encounters, in fact the majority of their posts are centered on real or imagined/fantasized sexual encounters. Their posts are beautifully written prose or poetry describing the events, their feelings about them, and both their physical and emotional responses during and after those encounters. They are very sexy, very sensual and very erotic. The nature of the relationships ranged from married couples, to lovers, to casual encounters with total strangers, to even phone or Internet chat sex play.

Kink, gratification is just one fetish away, lust dances with a master and his slave, and pleasure stings like a whip..., often as not written by submissives describing their relationships and service with their master, owner(s) or play dominants. Their posts are also beautifully written and appear to be roughly a 50-50 mix of sensual descriptions of "scenes" or encounters, and discussions of the joys or tribulations of their service and submission. The nature of the relationships range from Master/slave couplings, to marriages with kink, to submissives collared to dominants, to dom/sub in long distance relationships.

I don't remember exactly how it was that I found myself in the sex blogger realm, most likely I followed the profile link of a commenter, and followed a link on their page and then another and then another. Sometimes I forgot to follow the bread crumbs back and lost my way. Slowly I got to widening my range of sites further and further, and went off on tangents that took me to a number of (what I would call) bizarre fetish blogs, like diapers, and baby bottles and other less than mainstream interests. Most often I followed the bread crumb trails back from there.

But also, the more I read some of the erotic/sex blogs I discovered some very strong submissive themes to the exploits being discussed. Some, who probably started out just exploring their sexuality, happened across some kink along the way and recognized a submissive interest, or a submissiveness within themselves that had been dormant or simply unobserved. There seems to be an undercurrent of sex bloggers who have a tendency toward bottoming, but still to a larger audience of partners.

Interestingly though, I do not find the same degree of cross over from the submissive blogs, no corresponding interest in exploring a variety of partners through a variety of sexual encounters. There are a number of slave/subs who find pleasure in being shared, or are positioned by their dominant or master where their sexuality is displayed or available to others. However, there does seem to be a greater tendency toward fidelity/commitment to one partner.

For the past couple weeks I have been paying particular attention to the blog rolls when I visit someone's page and find there is usually a pretty fair mix of links offered for others to explore. There does seem to be the 80-20 rule in effect though. I suppose that is as expected, although the other 20% of the links offers a surprising insight into their other interests, the amount of cross over seems to be growing, or is it just that my perception has changed?

I can certainly understand why a dominant/submissive would enjoy reading the blogs of sexually promiscuous/adventurous women with submissive tendencies, and vice verse. And why sexually adventurous women would enjoy the intensity of some of the kink they read on those others blogs. As a dominant I certainly enjoy reading the blog of a sexually adventurous women with submissive tendencies.

If you have gotten this far, and don't want to make any comment, I would appreciate it if you would take a minute to answer the poll over in the right side bar - if for no other reason than to assuage my curiosity about the kind of people that pass by. Thank you.

And thank you for taking part in my poll:

Total Votes 24
Erotica 2 (8%)
Kink 8 (34%)
Erotically Kinky 11 (47%)
Dominant 0 (0%) I didn't vote
Just Visiting 3 (13%)

Hand Controls

It was a very busy Saturday night and I was sitting at the final seat at the blackjack table, another man next to me and then seat 4 was empty, the barstool like seat pushed up against the rail, and the other 3 seats were occupied as well. The casino was busy; there was nearly a row of people behind the players watching the action. It was jovial night, everyone was having a good time, the cards were generally going the player’s way, and everyone was up a little bit.

As we played I began to notice the man next to me kept looking to his right, not paying the attention he had been, seeming distracted. I also noticed that the blackjack dealer seemed to have his attention drawn as well. After a few minutes, I leaned forward to see what was distracting them so. A player had stepped up to the vacant seat and placed chips on the edge of the table, waiting to get into the next round of play.

Standing behind the vacant fourth seat was a quite attractive, fairly tall Asian girl, typical long straight black hair and pretty oval eyes. Then I noticed what had been distracting the other men (and now me) at the table. This attractive 20-something girl was wearing a short black flip skirt and a cream colored button up V-neck sweater, unbuttoned nearly down to her navel. The edges of the sweater were taut, just barely covered the nipples on her small conical breasts. Like many Asian girls she had very small breasts, probably barely A cups, and seemed to be fidgety about the way the sweater barely covered them.

She held a drink in her left hand and played cards with her right, and between hands she would fuss with the edges of the sweater, alternately covering more of her breasts and then moving it back to where it just barely covered her nipples again, all done in a nervous sort of way.

As I alternated between watching and leering, I noticed she would glance back over her left shoulder frequently, as if she might be expecting someone to come walking up at any minute. I looked around a couple times and finally notice a nice looking late 30s man standing about 10 feet back from the table, leaning against the end of a bank of slot machines. He was nicely dressed in slacks and a polo shirt, and was watching the girl, very intently, with no expression on his face.

Just about then the girl adjusted the right edge of the sweater so that it was now lying outside of her right breast, so that it was completely uncovered. It was quite a sight in a crowded casino, a lovely girl with bare breast showing in the midst of crowd. I looked back at the man and notice he was making a hand gesture, waving it slightly to the right, indicating the same direction she had moved the sweater. As I watched him he then move his hand in a pushing forward manner and the girl moved in closer to the table and leaned forward, making herself even more visible to the people on either side of her. Over the half-hour or so, she moved the sweater edge off of and back on and then off again from her breasts probably a half dozen times, mostly leaving them and her erase-like nipples open and exposed, responding to the gestures of the man behind her.

Every time he would give her another gesture, she would grimace slightly but comply. Her gaze was always on the man, or the cards in front of her, but never to one side or the other, acutely aware that she was being watched, the blackjack dealer directly in front of her and also some half dozen people on either side of her. People would come and go, not sure of what they were seeing, or leave out of embarrassment, except for those of us engaged in the game, sitting at the table, caught up in the play.

I am fairly confident that I am the only one who saw the man and his hand signals, and understood the control being exerted over her. Clearly she was acting as directed within a previously scripted scenario. She was embarrassed in that very shy, demure and quiet way that Asian girls can react, but was obviously enjoying the control and exhibition as evidenced by her skin flushing and arousal. Then as quietly and unobtrusively as she had arrived, with a come hither gesture, she turn and walked away, placed her hand on his arm and they walked off into the crowd.

It was a very interesting convergence of domination/control, exhibition and voyeurism, if only for a fleeting few minutes.

Humiliation, the good, the bad, the ugly

We’d had this conversation a while ago, but I had forgotten, and I asked:

“Would you think about something for me?”
“Of course.”
“We can talk about it tomorrow.”
“OK.”
“Humiliation, is it good or bad? Not a politically or kink correct answer, but a gut feel. In the sense of ‘I was totally humiliated.’ your attitude about it, not feelings.”
“I think this is a hard question for me to understand, given the limitations, but I'll try and make sense out of it.”
“Okay, then forget the limitations, I did not mean it to be limiting, just the whole range of those things call humiliation; you are right, that is better and a more fair question.”
"'I was totally humiliated' - I'll think about what that statement brings up for me... is that what you mean, more or less?"
"Yes that is what I mean, not to your submission particularly, just as a person."
"Yes, OK."

And the next day:

"I thought about humiliation."
"Oh yes?"
"I should email, I think."
"Okay, I would love to have your feelings on it."

And then the email:

I think you've made a case that humiliating and humbling are the same. I can't say I see it that way.

If I say humiliated, I mean embarrassed and brought down to a point below ones true worth. Where humbled, I see as settling to one's proper place.

Humiliation is an experience of shame.

Does this answer?

Yes, it did, so, there is one perspective on the matter of Humiliation and Humbling/Humility, and on the other hand:

"it was humiliating. But i didn't resist . . . moving my body into a rhythm . . . i felt aroused by the stimulation, and aroused by the humiliation. i felt my little place so acutely... it felt so right that i should be in this space of humility; . . . it felt right that we all acknowledged that it was part of my place to have lower status and higher humility."

A third perspective is:

I feel that some humiliation is necessary to reduce me to that deep submissive state I long to be in. Humiliation, as in wearing a collar or leash, submitting to an inspection, being made to crawl, etc., helps to put my mind into the "powerless" state and allows me to "feel" the authority that my Dom/Dad/Master has over me. I do not, however, much enjoy the more extreme forms of humiliation such as being urinated on......that, to me, is overkill.

So, these three have differing opinions, perhaps a Dominant has it figured out:

Humiliation. "The word itself can cause even hard-core players to recoil. In the BDSM community, where consensual, well-intentioned humiliation games are commonly practiced, players routinely disavow participation. I myself would vehemently declare that if a Sub wanted humiliation, then find another, I simply was not into that. Why would I want to dominate someone I didn't respect?
That was how I saw humiliation. Disrespectful. Degrading. Debasing. Insulting. As abuse, pure and simple. The idea of what I perceived as emotional cruelty. The idea of verbally harming my Submissives nauseated me."

So, then perhaps we turn to the dictionaries and definitions, to get some clarity, to find the essential relationship between Humiliation and Humility.

Definitions of Humiliation:

• state of disgrace or loss of self-respect
• chagrin: strong feelings of embarrassment
• an instance in which you are caused to lose your prestige or self-respect; "he had to undergo one humiliation after another"
• depriving one of self-esteem
  wordnet.princeton.edu/perl/webwn

Humiliation is bad . . .

Definitions of humility:

• a disposition to be humble; a lack of false pride; "not everyone regards humility as a virtue"
• a humble feeling; "he was filled with humility at the sight of the Pope"
  wordnet.princeton.edu/perl/webwn

Humility is good, being humble . . .

From Wikipedia: Humiliation is the abasement of pride; mortification. The state of being humbled or reduced to lowliness or submission. It is thus the process of being made humble. It can be brought about through bullying, intimidation, physical or mental mistreatment or trickery and embarrassment.

Humiliation is being humble, humility, which is good . . .

No wonder everyone is confused and afraid.

So, perhaps it is all just semantics, which I would agree with, an unimportant distinction, except I think there are many submissives that miss out on opportunities for growth, arousal, bonding and excitement, a chance to truly move forward because they are afraid of being humiliated and embarrassed, demeaned?

They are afraid of being embarrassed and brought down to a point below ones true worth.

They do not find humiliation as settling to one's proper place.

Clearly humiliation is used for a variety of reasons.

There are those dominants that use humiliation to totally debase a submissive, tear her down, belittle her, strip her of any self esteem or self respect to build her back up "his way".

Others use humiliation to overcome excess pride, to make their submissive more humble, to create a sense of self worth in their submission, subordinate to the dominant, respectful.

There does not seem to be a hard and fast result from humiliation, let alone a common perception of what it really constitutes.

Service-oriented Submission/Submissive

This post has been sitting as a Pending post since mid-March; I drag it out and think about it, make some notes, but have never been able to bring it forward into the light of day. Over the weekend a convergence of recent reading and discussions with a girl online seems to have been the lightening bolt that finally helped me focus when she said, "Please don't be confused, I am not a masochist, I was trained as a service-oriented submissive."

Some of that material includes:

• Persephone’s discussion of her new tea party style of submission
• Alice talked about This thing that we do
• MJ's slave nik, who is all about service, writes about it on a very regular basis, check her label, slaves musings.

In this sector of the blog realm, so often the quality of dominance is tied to the degree of sadism/physicality involved/exhibited, and it is much less common to find discussions of the mental aspects of control, in ways that incorporate all aspects of the submissive’s daily lives. But in fact, the essence of dominance is control; it is not hard, but perhaps not likely, to imagine a D/s relationship where there are no sexual or sadistic components, but pure and straight forward control. This control can be exerted over every aspect of the submissive’s daily life; how she dresses, when she sleeps and awakens, what she eats and when, how she conducts herself in interactions with other people. Clearly, in many relationships, while there are heavy levels of BDSM and S&M, there is also a more broad reaching control, perhaps with the exception of sexual submissives, or bedroom submissives.

In Persephone's recent post about tea party, she talks about her owner wanting “. . . light and enjoyable interactions between us . . . he prefers the twee 'tea party' to describe what he envisions . . . really different because of its absence of most-- if not all-- of the usual bdsm trappings.”

A Google search for “service-oriented submissive” includes a Wikipedia reference:

Service-oriented (sexuality)

In human sexuality, Service-oriented is a term used in the BDSM community to refer relationship dynamic.

In a service-oriented relationship, the focus is on how the submissive can contribute resources to the dominant partner, provide for some of their needs or advance their goals. These relationships may or may not also include romantic feelings.

A common example of such a relationship would be one in which the submissive and dominant were romantically attracted and the submissive is collared to the dominant, indicating that they are "in service" to that dominant. The collar may well be predicated on certain performance levels or the usefulness of that submissive in specific areas. If those things were to change or dissipate the couple may remain romantically linked but often the collar will be removed.

For the submissive in such a relationship, the collar is seen as a status symbol signifying the approval and acknowledgement of a person they wish to serve. They often take great pleasure and pride in their status and relationship.

For the dominant, the benefits are practical as well as emotional. Many take great pleasure in being 'served' in this manner, and of course having the additional resources available is of immense utility.

Categories: Sex stubs BDSM Human sexuality

While this Wikipedia article is titled Service-oriented (sexuality), the content sounds like a domestic arrangement, or an administrator or secretary, perhaps they were not willing to delve into the deeper inter-personal aspects.

It occurs to me that the Daddy dom/little girl dynamic may very well be a clear example of this service-oriented D/s relationship. Another flavor is Domestic Discipline, a special form of dominance and submission. And I am reminded of The Submissive Wife Project that I stumbled across last year. I am sure there are others.

There seems to be so much more depth in the nature of D/s or service-oriented submission than just BDSM, but so often it is all wrapped in the same blanket.

Ten Pretty Good Rules

These rules have no specific purpose, but will serve you well as humor, and are not a bad perspective to use when dealing with the vagaries of daily life.

1. Never wrestle with a pig; you both get dirty and the pig likes it.
2. Never argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.
3. Observe everything; admire nothing.
4. It's easier to obtain forgiveness than it is permission.
5. Rarely resist the opportunity to keep your mouth shut.
6. Don't ask the question if you cannot live with the answer.
7. If you want a new idea, read an old book.
8. If you don't know where you're going, any road will get you there.
9. Never have a philosophy which supports a lack of courage.
10. Never look back unless you intend to go that way.

More on Ignoring

Ignoring in the context of the previous question about submission is not intended to be the kind of ignoring as you would a precocious child, or shunning.

In the original statement is the phrase "her desires unimportant - being ignored", meaning her desires being ignored, not her. Actively ignored, knowing exactly what she wants, at that moment, more than anything else, and withholding it. Some times there are incidences that are a response to bad or shady behavior, which she employs specifically to draw a reaction. Perhaps she is being sassy to provoke discipline, punishment, or a spanking. Active ignoring might well respond to that desire for a spanking with a much less palpable activity, such as prolonged corner time. But this is not the kind of ignoring that raised the initial question.

I think the way I posted the question was unclear. There's a stated question in the text, but that's not really the question that was asked. The question was more about needs being ignored overall, rather than about incidences involving purposeful ignoring. A submissive being told she is an object, her desires unimportant versus the intense attention and care that many dominants clearly give.

As she says in the question, she is, ". . . drawn to D/s by the quality of attention described. Punishments or pleasure given with care, responses noted" and notes that clearly the dominant knowing what she wants, and is giving it to her, but perhaps on his own terms, and in his own fashion? But so often she reads in the blogs the dominant saying, "what you want doesn't matter, your needs don't matter," but it's a thing that's said to have an effect, in some ways true, but also not at all.

This is the disconnect that appears to create the confusion, and hence the question.

Perhaps the clarification is embodied in, "The needs of my Master are more important than my own, because I trust my Master to meet and care for my needs, that leaves me free to focus on his needs."

Do you have an inclination for BDSM? - a quiz

You scored as a Dominant
Sex is about power and you like to be powerful. It's nice to be in charge and get what you want. And being in a position where people will do what you say is exciting.

93% - Dominant
64% - Experimental
57% - Sadist
46% - Exhibitionist/Voyeur
25% - Switch
21% - Bondage
18% - Degradation Lover

14% - Vanilla
7% - Submissive
7% - Masochist

Take me to the Quiz

(Note from the quiz author: This quiz doesn't cover all aspects of BDSM due to the length that such a comprehensive quiz would be. It is sex-based because the psychological reasons behind fetishes are complex and different for everyone to some degree.)

Questions about submission

We have been talking about her growing awareness of her submissive desires, how more and more, she feels like something is missing. I suggested a blog to read.

After a some reading, she said: "It brought back to mind one of my key questions . . . not so clearly a question really . . . I'm drawn to D/s by the quality of attention described. Punishments or pleasure given with care, responses noted, limits noticed and pushed. And then the contrasting idea - a sub being an object, her desires unimportant - being ignored. (Being purposefully ignored by someone who knows how you respond to that neglect - is that really being ignored?)"

"These things confuse me."

It occurs to me, that as a dominant, I will provide my point of view on this, but I think it would be worthwhile to hear something other than a man's point of view.

Experiencing her submissiveness

Marie had noticed men who looked at her "that way", who recognized the way she responds to their gaze, transfixed. These are not just horny men looking at a pretty girl; they knew something about her she barely knew herself, they were those men.

She had come to recognize her submissive nature, but still was conflicted at times because that feeling and desire in her is so vastly different from how she acts in her day to day life.

We talked for a long time about her feelings, and the unsettled feeling she had about what had happened, not that she was traumatized by being forced but how the sex of it had felt, and how she felt about the sex. She talked about wanting to have those feelings again, how she wanted to please men, to feel them in her like that. But she didn't know anyone she could have that kind of a relationship with, and how it was so outside of her “real life”.

However, there were men, there was Brett who operates a custom upholstery shop, Tim who runs the T-Shirt shop, and the man at the gas station/snack shop - - all of them were men she noticed looking at her “that way”. After a time, I suggested that if she wanted to pursue this that Brett seemed the best choice from everything she had said about them.

She developed a sexual submissive relationship with Brett over the next several months. She would stop and spend an hour or two with him, once or twice a week, and he led her deeper and deeper into her submission. One of her favorite things was being leaned over the back of a low couch, and having her wrists attached to restraints positioned down between the back cushion and seat. In this position she could barely move, was nearly impossible to see behind herself and was totally vulnerable. At first he blindfolded her, but eventually simply forbid her to look back, to keep her face buried between the cushions.

One day we were discussing her feelings about all of this and she commented on how erotic it was, amazed at his staying power, being able to engage her 4 and 5 and 6 times - - I expressed skepticism. She swore it was in fact what was happening. I began to ask more probing questions and suggested to her that it would be an amazing, if not super, man who could perform that way. To make a long story short, the next time she was there, she forced herself to look back and it was not Brett, but Tim. This was a total violation of her trust. She freed herself and left. She stopped in and spoke to him a couple times, expressing her outrage, but that was it. Bravo for her – clearly a violation of the trust and nature of their relationship.

Over the next year, she had fleeting relationships with others, young men closer to her own age, but they did not treat her the way she had become accustomed to with Brett. After long periods of consternation and discussions, she told me she was going to start seeing Brett again. She went and had a long discussion with him about how he has violated her trust in the past. They started up again and she enjoyed the time she spent with him. He is the only dominant man she has been able to establish that connection with.

Lately she had been talking about what happened with the two of them having her. She talked about how she missed that feeling and how she wanted it again. She decided that if she knew, in advance, and agreed to what was happening it would be okay.

Last week, she did again. She said, "But it is really a little scary, how it makes me feel." I didn't understand and asked what she meant? She said, "I just really like how it makes me feel. Not just how it feels, but how i feel letting them. Just being there to let them, because it feels so good. But it does scare me that I like how I feel. You don’t hear how my friends talk about other girls they think are sluts, but I am a total slut."

Not looking for this Daddy

In my previous post, I paraphrased a conversation with a girl named Joy, who seemed to be looking for a Daddy, was intended to be illustrative of a typical kind of conversation. Joy claimed a need for “someone who will watch over me, keep me in line, and make me accountable for myself and my actions. I’d want him to give me rules, chores and a curfew and enforce them”. Because of comments attached to the posting as well as questions I received via email and chat, this “typical” interaction seemed to take on a certain life of its own. One reader, ~L, asked a number of interesting probing questions and made me look at Joy in a different light.

In an effort to give the benefit of the doubt, overcome some skepticism on my part and to just satisfy a curiosity, I continued to have conversations with Joy and further learn what it was she really was seeking, if in fact she was seeking anything at all. Further discussions lead to some very clear conclusions; 1) Joy is looking for an older man to fulfill a daddy role in her life, but the definition is a very fuzzy mix between Daddy and father image, a point that ~L brought out during our comments back and forth, 2) Joy wants someone to spank her not just for transgressions or rule breaking, “I’ve thought a lot about going over your knee lately”, every day, “even if there is no punishment really needed for anything”, 3) she wants to be living with someone who will impose this discipline on her on a daily basis, and finally, 4) it is to be non-sexual, “this is not about a sex partner”, although on more than one occasion she would ask if I would mind if all she wore around the house was just a t-shirt or tank-top.

However, any attempts to steer the conversation to the need for watching over, keeping in line, accountability, rules, chores, curfew and enforcement, always focused on enforcement and spanking. Clearly Joy has spanking fetish.

Finally I declared that this arrangement was not going to work out, because frankly, “I cannot imagine having an attractive “young little-girl daughter” running around in nothing but a t-shirt, who I lay across my lap bare bottomed and spank each night at bedtime, and not have any sexual response”. (I am sure there are those who could conduct that kind of a spanking discipline on a regular basis, but frankly I am not that kind of a sadist but God bless them that can.) She countered by a suggestion that maybe she could be a maid, or housekeeper, some position where she would feel okay about some sexual interaction, not being someone’s “daughter”, and maybe only oral, “all you would ever want”, and then a couple of other postulations but finally, we agreed that I was probably not the right Daddy.

It very well could be that Joy is looking for a father figure, a disciplinarian to guide her into young adulthood as ~L suggested. But, I am inclined to agree with Alice who commented, I think that many of these young women are craving dominance, but I am sure many are just exploring and dabbling. "Playing" at submissiveness and truly submitting are two (very) different things.

Am I wrong?

Looking for a Daddy

I was "interviewed" the other day, excerpts follow:

Hello, I am Joy, age 23 and I love tall men, may I ask your name please?
My name is David, joy, how are you?
I am well thank you David, may I ask your age? Are you interested in daddy/daughter relationships?
I am 61, and yes, I might be.
Great so am I. So tell me what you are seeking?
Not seeking anything specifically, but it would be a girl who needs the attention, discipline and guidance of an adult male in her life, one who understands the importance of compliance, willingness and discipline.
Perfect, I feel I need someone who will watch over me, keep me in line, and make me accountable for myself and my actions. I’d want him to give me rules, chores and a curfew and enforce them.
Very good joy, it is what a young girl often needs in her life.
It is what I need for sure.
Do you live with your family still?
No, my mom was a teen mom who never grew up and I never knew my dad.
What about your husband, or boy friend?
I am not married, and I broke up with my boyfriend about a month ago, because he was cheating on me. Do you work? Or are you retired?
I work, semi retired technical systems support for casino management services, I am a former data processing manager. And what about you joy?
I am a cashier at two different jobs one full time, one part time.
Then you are a busy girl, which is good, obviously you are responsible. So, you want more discipline and structure in your life. Did you have discipline and now it is gone, or you are discovering this need now?
No. I never had it.
You sound like a girl who would benefit from the attention and structure, I would get to know more about you, have you tell me that long story, learn your habits, routine, special needs and would set up rules for you, daily structure.
How would I be disciplined? I think I would need reinforcing discipline on a regular basis.
Through loss of privileges, special tasks, special behaviors, spankings, physical discipline, etc. My age does not concern you?
Not at all, I want a father figure you’d be perfect.
Okay, you are a young girl and I want to me sure. If I were to take control of you it would entail all facets of your life, you understand that? What and how you eat, generally, schedules, chores, manner of dress, dating, how you spend your time, not micromanaged but structured.
No problem.
To start with I want you to write me sort of an essay, take me through your week, day by day, and tell me what you do, what you do you want to stop and generally give me a picture of your life/routine. Now, if you work at noon, you need to get ready.
Ok, take care great chatting with you Daddy! May I call you that?
Yes.

Being online frequently, I have a fair number of conversations with a posers, players, role players, cyber prowlers and general goofballs. Most conversations last maybe 15 minutes, which seems to be their attention span. But I am surprised by the number of young women, like this one, seemingly serious, who are seeking and craving "adult supervision" and dominance.

Can You Spot a Dominant or submissive

Do you believe in the notion that a dominant can spot a submissive? And, that a submissive can spot a dominant? I mean, can you just tell by looking at someone? People talk about a deer in the headlights look, but I am not sure it is exactly that. A submissive woman I know describes it thus, “I see a man looking at me, and I cannot look away, and I just know, he is one of those men.”

A few years ago, I was in a local hotel/casino, at a blackjack table playing cards, and had been there for a couple of hours. I was chatting with the floor person in the middle of the pit. Over his shoulder I glanced at another table about 20 feet away and locked eye contact with a woman playing at that other table. I smiled at her; she dropped her gaze slightly and smiled, but kept eye contact. We looked back and forth at each other several times over the next hour, but never spoke, just eye contact and smiles.

Full of confidence/hope, I made dinner reservations, at the steak house in the hotel. After another half hour passed, I got up to cash out, looked over at her and nodded to her, and she did the same. I walked over, said hello to the dealer while he was coloring her out, and took hold of her wrist and said, let’s go have dinner.

When we sat down for dinner, I ordered Chateaubriand; we had dinner and made small talk. She was in town visiting family, and would be here through the weekend. As we finished dinner, I said, let’s go dancing, and we went to Larry’s Hideaway, a small country and western lounge with a band and smallish dance floor.

When we arrived the crowd was small, we got settled, and went onto the dance floor. In country western dancing the man’s left hand and woman’s right are held as usual in dancing, but the man’s right hand/wrist is rested on the woman’s left shoulder and her hand holds the hook of his elbow. As we started dancing around the floor, I reached my hand up under her hair and grabbed a hand full at the back of her neck and held it tightly. She looked up at me, and as I held tight onto that grip of her hair, pulling her head back just the slightest, she closed her eyes, smiled, made a soft noise, and in that moment the question was asked and answered; "Are you? Yes, and yes I am".

Discovering Submissiveness 2

I do not know what happens or happened in someones development or genetics that results in that thing we call submissiveness, or dominance for that matter. However, over the years I have observed different circumstances that seem to create an awareness or awakening and lead people to discover these things about themselves.

Late last year, I posted about a young friend, marie, and her discovery of her submissiveness through a surreal event on a camping trip.

I met marie in an online rape survivors chat room. In addition to those survivors rooms, there are rooms about early experiences, and I have talked to many girls who began their sexual experiences at the hands of older men, often family members. I am sure many of these things develop out of originally innocent laps sitting, knee bouncing, tickling, wrestling, and other playfulness. Certainly not through what would be considered forced rape or assault, but expressions of caring, affection, comforting, cajoling, and conspiring. Make no mistake, these are inappropriate relationships, these girls are not of an age of consent, but the result is often much different than the rape victims discussed earlier. There is a bond and affection that develops between the young girl and the older, usually male, family member.

These relationships are most often ongoing, secretive, clandestine, conspiratorial, and non-violent. She learns how to be cute, joyful, flirtatious, how to produce a smile, she learns to develop those feminine wiles. She learns to please this man, learns pleasure from him; it begins an expression of some inherent personality bent toward submissiveness, or this experience introduces her to submissive behavior which she adopts. She becomes daddy's or grandpa's good little girl. That desire to please, and receive that mature affection, guides and influences the development of her relationships with men as she matures.

Who's your Daddy?

"Who's your daddy?" is a slang expression that takes the form of a rhetorical question. Use of the phrase implies a boastful claim of physical or sexual dominance over the intended listener. Comedians suggest that the phrase is frequently spoken by men in a Freudian outburst during sexual intercourse.

Origins

The phrase itself stands out as a noteworthy lyric from the 1968 song Time of the Season by The Zombies: "What's your name? Who's your daddy? Is he rich like me?"

Widespread provocative use of the phrase began as early as the late 1980's, largely due to its frequent use in sexually suggestive skits broadcast by a popular syndicated radio shock jock known as "The Greaseman".

Source: http://www.answers.com/topic/who-s-your-daddy-phrase?cat=entertainment

girl/girl

A great many girls had some of their earliest sexual experiences at slumber parties and other all-girl gatherings, playing games such as Truth or Dare, or some variation of these adolescent sensual socialization games. I suspect that a lot of girls first discover their sense of submissiveness (or domme-ness) through these kissing and party games that girls play late into the night.

I have read about girls who recall themselves in those games, "always wanting to be the girl/bottom" or "how embarrassed I was having all the other girls watching me" or "they made me rub between my legs until I felt like I needed to pee", many other expressions of how they felt being exposed, or involved, or placed in an embarrassing or aroused situation. I don't think these early teen or even preteen experiences necessarily lead to, or foster, either lesbian or bisexual orientations in girls, but I think there are many, many girls who get their first taste of their submissive nature during one of these slumber party games, or afternoon parties. Their first taste of sensuality comes at the hand of their friends who are equally naive, or are more brave/brazen (domme?), and they learn how it feels to do someone else's bidding, to perform in a way that pleases someone else.

Many girls have their first experiences of masturbation, or mutual masturbation or even girl on girl sexual activity "forced on them" in one of these group activities. These games go by many names:

Truth or Dare
Truth, Dare or Torture (Australian); with torture being simply for more embarrassing dares.
Lies or Play it Safe
Truth Dare, Double Dare, Promise or Repeat
Truth, Dare, Situation, Stare (India)
Tell or Torture

For the submissive girls, they were strangely attracted to these new and forbidden/taboo sensations, they felt the attraction of the entire thing, the involvement of other girls, they liked being watched, watching, they were so excited about the whole thing, often privately, because they were too embarrassed or shy to make any overt moves. They are left to wonder, how do I fulfill these feelings.