April 6, 2008

Discovering Submissiveness 2

I do not know what happens or happened in someones development or genetics that results in that thing we call submissiveness, or dominance for that matter. However, over the years I have observed different circumstances that seem to create an awareness or awakening and lead people to discover these things about themselves.
Late last year, I posted about a young friend, Marie, and her discovery of her submissiveness through a surreal event on a camping trip.

I met Marie in an online rape survivors chat room. In addition to those survivors rooms, there are rooms about early experiences, and I have talked to many girls who began their sexual experiences at the hands of older men, often family members. I am sure many of these things develop out of originally innocent laps sitting, knee bouncing, tickling, wrestling, and other playfulness. Certainly not through what would be considered forced rape or assault, but expressions of caring, affection, comforting, cajoling, and conspiring. Make no mistake, these are inappropriate relationships, these girls are not of an age of consent, but the result is often much different than the rape victims discussed earlier. There is a bond and affection that develops between the young girl and the older, usually male, family member.

These relationships are most often ongoing, secretive, clandestine, conspiratorial, and non-violent. She learns how to be cute, joyful, flirtatious, how to produce a smile, she learns to develop those feminine wiles. She learns to please this man, learns pleasure from him; it begins an expression of some inherent personality bent toward submissiveness, or this experience introduces her to submissive behavior which she adopts. She becomes daddy's or grandpa's good little girl. That desire to please, and receive that mature affection, guides and influences the development of her relationships with men as she matures.


  1. Hi David

    I'm not sure I understand - are you saying that these relationships are where girls discover their submissiveness, or what causes it? And do you think it's a good thing (inappropriateness notwithstanding)?

    I've often thought about whether it is particular psychological aspects of my childhood that led me to this, or if it's something inborn. Probably a combination, like most things that make up a person's personality.

    I guess at the point I am now, my biggest concern is accepting it and fully realizing it, not so much wondering why... But that would be interesting to know too :)

  2. I have grappled with this question but wonder now if it is rather that the child is already predisposed to respond to the man because of inherent submissive behaviours. A less submissive child might kick up a stink and stop it going on.

    Certainly rather than making me a compliant and well behaved child it made me difficult and angry and setback my acceptance of my submissiveness until I was confident that I could handle it.

  3. I think submissiveness is something that some girls are predisposed toward. They may not discover it until mid life, or may be exposed to it early in life, in simiar circumstances described here.

    As doll says, if it were not for the pre disposition, the girl would probably not find the attention so appealing.

  4. any relationship - masked in affection, gentleness or WHATEVER where a young girl is forced into soem form of inappropriate sexuality is as BAD if not WORSE than rape; becuase ultimately it leads the chidl to belive herself responsible, it awakens things in her at an age when mentally (not to mention physically) she is NOT ready. The OLDER male is VERY aware of what he is doing, no matter how he tries to fool himself or convince himself "she likes it" - ultimately you are twisting someone's psyche, probably for life for whatever pruient satisfction that individual gets from it. WRONG WRONG WRONG.

    And I would suggest that perhaps that child's natural inclinination was NOT to be submissive if that is what you are suggesting. Get a child early enough, screw around with her head early enough and you will end up with a very confused adult.

    The fact tht she might in later days seek reassurance, attention and dominance does not justify the original behaviour which created her.

    yes, I feel VERY strongly about this; have worked in the mental age field with children in the past; and SAW the crap that was spewed out of abusers' mouths - like "she encouraged me, she flirted with me, she LIKED it" ... a 19 year old talking about sexual penetration of a 3 YEAR old.

    Little girls DO learn to cajole and flirt and learn the dance of teh sexes with SAFE males in their lives who UNDERSTAND that the appropriate way to react!

    sorry, this got me all lathered up - rape is heinuous but at least in most cases, a woman understands and can internalize it had NOTHING to do with ANYTHING she did - but subtle sexual manipulation as a child? Screws her mind.

  5. No apologies necessary selkie, there is no excuse for sexual manipulation of a child, or anyone for that matter. None is made here and if that was your reading, I am sorry for any misstatements that might have given that impression.