April 14, 2008

Can You Spot a Dominant or submissive

Do you believe in the notion that a dominant can spot a submissive? And, that a submissive can spot a dominant? I mean, can you just tell by looking at someone? People talk about a deer in the headlights look, but I am not sure it is exactly that. A submissive girl I know describes it thus, “I see a man looking at me, and I cannot look away, and I just know, he's one of those men.”

A few years ago, I was in a local hotel/casino, at a blackjack table playing cards, and had been there for a couple of hours. I was chatting with the floor person in the middle of the pit. Over his shoulder I glanced at another table about 20 feet away and locked eye contact with a woman playing at that other table. I smiled at her; she dropped her gaze slightly and smiled, but kept eye contact. We looked back and forth at each other several times over the next hour, but never spoke, just eye contact and smiles.

Full of confidence/hope, I made dinner reservations, at the steak house in the hotel. After another half hour passed, I got up to cash out, looked over at her and nodded to her, and she did the same. I walked over, said hello to the dealer while he was coloring her out, and took hold of her wrist and said, let’s go have dinner.

When we sat down for dinner, I ordered Chateaubriand; we had dinner and made small talk. She was in town visiting family, and would be here through the weekend. As we finished dinner, I said, let’s go dancing, and we went to Larry’s Hideaway, a small country and western lounge with a band and smallish dance floor.

When we arrived the crowd was small, we got settled, and went onto the dance floor. In country western dancing the man’s left hand and woman’s right are held as usual in dancing, but the man’s right hand/wrist is rested on the woman’s left shoulder and her hand holds the hook of his elbow. As we started dancing around the floor, I reached my hand up under her hair and grabbed a hand full at the back of her neck and held it tightly. She looked up at me, and as I held tight onto that grip of her hair, pulling her head back just the slightest, she closed her eyes, smiled, made a soft noise, and in that moment the question was asked and answered; "Are you? Yes, and yes I am".


  1. ooooooooo, what a wonderful post! Such a delicious story!

    This is an interesting topic; I have long thought about and wondered how one spots a Dominant male. Sometimes, when I am out and about, a male will catch my eye, give me a piercing glare, and hold my gaze until "I" get flustered and have to look away. This gives me a very submissive feeling so perhaps is one indication...on the other hand, he could just be an outgoing and/or aggressive jerk!

    If someone has a foolproof detection method, please let me know...it might come in handy (smile).

  2. i think that we attract people that are drawn to our traits, for sure. but i personally don't feel like i could spot a dominant man from across a room. i so rarely maintain eye contact with a stranger. when i see a man looking at me, i look away almost immediately, and though i may look back, i never want him to notice that i have. i think i would need to rely completely on *his* sense of it. although perhaps my owners will train me to know better before i step back into the wide world of dating.

  3. second time around and this story still makes me tingly. =)

    hugs, elle

  4. Your story is wonderful and romantic also i think. :-D

    It's the same here as with persephone; i rarely maintain eye contact with a stranger, 'cause i am a bit shy. I am not really sure also if you can tell if someone is a Dominant or not. Ofcourse there are some exceptions. But there is one man i see once a week at the sports field (because my son and his are playing soccer), i haven't talked to him, haven't had specific eye-contact but i know for some kind of reason, i can feel/sense that he is a Dominant. So sometimes you can tell i guess. * smiles *

  5. mmm... oh my! tingly definitely describes my reaction. i do wish i could sense doms, but i think i would need to know more to hone my skills to the level of my gaydar. i did wonder about a man near whom is at at the airport the other day, but figured i was probably just responding to stereotypes and in reality he is a pussycat.

    besides, he ignored me...

  6. i do play a little fanciful game with myself and wonder if i can identify D/s couples or dominant men just by looking. Since i haven't ever actually checked them out i don't know if i'm right or not :)). When my "radar" goes off it is usually because i've had a little interaction with a dominant and there seems to be a particular way of speaking that triggers responses in me but i've never been lucky enough to be grabbed by the hair by a virtual stranger. i'll put that one on top of my fantasy list for sure!

  7. Yes,I think that eye contact is where it starts, and such things as body language, manner of speech and projection of character, are all factors that will help you be certain, but holding that initial gaze, or coming back to it after you look away is necessary to get a sense of all those things. Of course, if you can't, or are not allowed to maintain that eye contact, like meg who as I recall has a prohibition regarding flirtatious behavior except as directed, or an inhibition would have a difficult time.

    From the dominant perspective, it is often not that initial gaze and holding it for so long, although it is a start. It is coming back and re-engaging again, and opening up a little bit that starts to show yourself to him. It is the beginning of that eye dance that starts to tell/show the potential. But that first eye contact is the opening invitation.

    I would never suggest that one glance and eye contact tells the tale, it is just the invitation to the dance.

  8. As the others have said this is a truly beautiful post and made me all tingly too.

    I am not so sure you can spot a dominant or submissive. I have been caught out by men that are assertive publicly but pussies privately and I am sure that I present a very strong and assertive personality when I am out and about.

    But I have had the back of my neck grasped by the husband of an acquaintance and the way he did it and my response to it clearly indicated to me that he was a dominant and under other circumstances I would have fallen to my knees before him.

  9. I doubt that anyone would spot me as a submissive. Even people who know me well would be hard-pressed to encompass the idea. My public persona is far from it.

    What stands out to me in your story is that there must've been mutual attraction there, and that is hard to quantify. What attracts us in another person is not just physical - that person projects something about what they are, who they are, how they are... So there is likely to be at least a percentage of people who "click" based on dominance and submission, even from across a room.

  10. omg to be that woman! this girl has never had the pleasure of meeting a dominant man outside of an online forum. at least, she doesn't think she has. but oh, if she ever were to be so lucky, she would want it to be just as You describe.

  11. Oh, yes! Especially recently, as I have been coming more into terms with my submissiveness, I have found that I am immediately aware of a dominant presence, and instantly drawn to it.

    Aside from Daddy, one of the men I have recently found myself very attracted to is extremely dominant, and is not afraid to demonstrate it in very subtle ways.

    I agree with charli--such a delicious post! I love the pulling of the hair right above the nape of my neck. Such a dominant, lustful act!

  12. My my...lucky her! So, what happened after the dance? Nothing like that happened the last time I was in Vegas. Hehe!

  13. Clearly naughty girl, you were not playing blackjack in the right hotel!!

  14. actually, I never make assumptions; one reason being is that I am constantly taken for dominant and submissive men have been strongly attracted to me all my life - long before I recognized the dynamic and who and what I was.

    I also never make the mistake of equating someone with a loud, encoraching or demanding personality as being "dominant" - my own D. is quiet, almost self-effacing, woudl NEVER be taken for a Dominant yet the first time I saw him (when I was 15) my knees went weak when he met my eyes. Our relationship was established long before we knew what to call it - this despite the fact that submissive men continued to find me entrancing

    I do get a "sense" for some people - it is like a twinge, a radar that tingles with certain men. this can be with men who present as dominant (i.e. that is how they view themselves and call themselves) - or not - interestingly, dominance for me is not gender-specific - other than my D. I have only ever been strongly submissively attracted to one other dominant - and that was a woman.

  15. Hello, David!

    i've often said it would be so much easier if we just wore signs or had D or s tattooed some place discreet!

    Several times before discovering my One, i made the mistake of thinking bossy and controlling=Dominant. It was a wonderful lesson to learn that the first step to controlling another is controlling oneself and it can't be done by force.

    That's why i advise friends who inquire about the quest for a satisfying match to make no assumptions and look for solid character and self confidence, paired with self control. Then the hard part comes when the seeker must become honest and reveal themselves to the "other" and see if what they seek resonates.

    For me, that big reveal was very, very difficult but "O" so worth it in retrospect!

    What a yummy story! Hope all is well in your little piece of Heaven!


  16. In the vanilla world, I am very assertive. Most people who know me there would be shocked to know of my leanings. My Sir, however, spotted me right away, in an e-mail. He responded to some very subtle clues, but did so in a way as to not scare me off. He took control from the start and has led me from then on.

    I do absolutely love the post.

  17. I've definitely had that sort of eye contact, but only once or twice, and unfortunately it never played out the same way yours did ;)

    These were all before I realized I was submissive though, I just knew that I couldn't look away from this man and that I was incredibly turned on, just from our locked gaze.

  18. I was told by a Dom man that if I cast my eyes down it was a sign to dominant men that I am submissive. I have never been anywhere that seemed a likely place to try this out but I have had one man grab me by the nipples after I looked down while speaking with him. Maybe he was just testing me but when I thrust my nipples toward him he started to twist and pull and when I, did nothing but whimper in pain he dragged by the nipples to where he wanted me and did as he pleased with me.