May 12, 2008

Questions about submission

We have been talking about her growing awareness of her submissive desires, how more and more, she feels like something is missing. I suggested a blog to read.

After some reading, she said: "It brought back to mind one of my key questions . . . not so clearly a question really . . . I'm drawn to D/s by the quality of attention described. Punishments or pleasure given with care, responses noted, limits noticed and pushed. And then the contrasting idea - a sub being an object, her desires unimportant - being ignored. (Being purposefully ignored by someone who knows how you respond to that neglect - is that really being ignored?)"

"These things confuse me."

It occurs to me, that as a dominant, I will provide my point of view on this, but I think it would be worthwhile to hear something other than a man's point of view.


  1. An interesting conundrum, isn't it? If your desires are being ignored on purpose because you love feeling ignored, are you really being ignored?

    Yes and no, I would say, but I lean more towards the no. Still, being purposely ignored isn't how I see i, because my submission is concentrated on the way that serving makes me feel. When I'm ignored, I feel good, not because the ignoring turns me on, but because it reminds me of the real reason for my submission--to shed myself of me for the love and service of another. That is what makes me happy and content in my submission.

    So I don't look at it as "Daddy's ignoring my needs". On the contrary, "Daddy is fostering my needs by reminding me of my purpose in love and service and teaching me to be a better girl and a more complete submissive for him."

    I'm not sure if that makes any sense. But when I first began to explore this life, I thought that same question would be one that I would be confused by and, ironically, it was the simplest one for me to grasp.

    I'm interested in what you, David, as a dominant, believe about that particular question.



  2. The most important part of my submission to "R" is my servitude. I need to please him and serve him as I feel that is my repsonsibility and I take great pride in it.
    There was one time "R" tied me to the stairway bannister so there was little possible movement. I was standing and I could just see him in the living room and I stood there, alone and unable to be with him as he watched TV and drank his soda. I tried to get his attention and that was met with clamps as I was told that if he wanted me with him I would be. I grew to understand as I remained tied there that this was what my owner wished for me at this time. It was not my choice it was his and so I stayed very quiet and waited for him to release me. Although it was not long it felt like hours. But I remained compliant for as long as he wanted me to, because of my submission.
    I wouldn't have it any other way.
    It is what keeps me balanced.

  3. reading both your post and the responses just goes to prove, different strokes for different folks ... my very long-term D/s relationship most certaintly does not incorporate "ignoring"; I think objectification (which I see as part of "ignoring) and humiliation play are facets only and not necessarily a part of EVERY dynamic.

    I have read and seen relationships where the focus seems to be entirely on the dominant, it is as if the submissive's needs don't enter into it. Frankly for me that wouldn't work.

    For me, a dynamic is just that ... a flow between two individuals, a give and take - regardless of whether it is M/s or D/s ... and I would be interested to hear from your respondnets how long-term their relationships are and whether they live it all the time or see their Masters just occasionally. I think that makes a difference too.

  4. Well, I myself only see my Daddy occasionally. And, again, because my relationship with him is very different, I wouldn't dream of comparing it to, say, a long-term 24/7 relationship. I'm only speaking about what I am learning for myself. Every relationship is different.

    I guess what I was trying to convey and what I apparently did poorly, was that I don't know that I would call it "ignoring" -- objectification is definitely a better word for it :). I see what most people would deem "ignoring" as just another lesson in my submission. I'm still very new to this lifestyle, though, and it's a constant learning process for me.

  5. I, too, am new to all of this, but here's my response (at this point, anyway). Before entering into the BDSM world, I had been with guys (assholes?) who have actually ignored me and that feeling is much different than when my Master "ignores" or objectifies me (though I think those are, or at least can be, very different things). When Master does it, I know that there's love behind it and that, on some level, he's doing it for both of us. There's not necessarily a distinction on the outside between how he acts and guys in the past, but the emotional aspect is completely different. I feel like Master is very attune to my responses, needs, and desires, even when he is ignoring me. In answer to the original question, then, I’d say that she is not really being ignored. Though, again, I may be way off base, as I’m still trying to figure this confusion out myself!

  6. Don't know if I can add any real value here -- I can't *stand* being ignored. I'm an attention slut. Stroke my need for attention, and everything I have to give is yours... Ignore me at your peril, I'll probably lash out at some point :-)

  7. For Selki, My relationship with "R" has been a year and a half. We plan that it will be long term as we both love each other dearly. Outside of an occasional scene like the one I described our relationship it total give and take. And I agree with you. I spend 4 nights a week with him and often he cooks me breakfast and dinner. (I'm a lousy cook and he is an amazing one) and every minute of the day we are together is important to both of us. But I am also his submissive and in my mind I want to serve him and take care of him. It gives me a great deal of pleaure to do that and so I do.

  8. I think it varies not just between people but also with the same person at different times. I generally do prefer attention, too, though, from my previous comment, it's clearly not always the case.