February 22, 2009

Nothing to Fear, but Fear Itself

Are you afraid to be who you feel you really are? Stuck being the person everyone expects you to be?

Have you been allowing fear to dominate your life, why you do what you do, and even where you do it? I'm not talking about day-to-day fears of things like spiders, heights, and public speaking; we all have those.
. . .
I'm talking about the fact that you make decisions because you're scared to death of what might happen if you don't take the safe way out.
. . .
Rather than possibly standing alone or having to fight for what you truly wanted, dreamed of, or hoped for, you went along with the crowd or let somebody else -- maybe your spouse, parents, friends, or employers -- tell you what you should like, want, or do. Peer pressure, unfortunately, is not an adolescent-only phenomenon. The dangerous thing about a fear-based mind-set is that it paralyzes you and puts you in a comfort zone that's safe and predictable, but causes you to waste precious time in your life on things you don't really want. You've stayed in that comfort zone, scared to death that you would be rejected . . .

I think that this is particularly true of submissive women, who have discovered these new and overwhelming feelings - but cannot see how to express themselves, to overcome their history and step into that new darkness.

Does this resonate with you? Want to understand more? Interested in a strategy that will help you free yourself? Take some time to learn more, Free Yourself from Fear, at Emergence into Submission. You will thank yourself.


  1. You again, touch on a subject that I have thought of many many times. Thank you.

  2. I had recently read this, and thought how well much of it described me (and was surprised that it's wisdom came from Dr.Phil, of all people!). For me, it hasn't been a case of hiding the real me; rather, it's been a case of finding the real me and being afraid to show "me" to people, especially my husband. I didn't discover what "submissive" meant or the fact that I am one until after we married, and to date I have not been able to show that to him, other than by being the old school submissive wife (to a point). As we all know, that has little or nothing to do with being a submissive woman in the context of these blogs.
    I am afraid to be ME to him because the one time I tried to jump in and do so, I suggested he spank me, and when he did, I suggested he do it HARDER, and his comment was (shocked), "You aren't one of those people that likes that kind of stuff, are you???"

    Knowing that spanking is just the tiniest tip of the iceberg that is my masochism, that was all it took, and the willingness to show me to him was gone.

  3. i do not think this is particularly true of submissive women. it's not even close to true for me... i have NEVER been a person who followed the crowd. and i hate it when people talk about submissives as "naturally" being people who are followers or who constantly want to please. submission means many things to many different people... and the kind of submission that we celebrate in the blogosphere is the kind that is willingly and purposefully CHOSEN. submission is submitting your will to another person that you choose, not being scared to NOT submit your will to just about anybody.

    i think i've always tended to be a submissive person, but i didn't even follow the crowd when i was an adolescent. ack, submission is not fear!!

  4. Hello persephone, wonderful to see you out and about. The fear discussed here, or implied, is not fear of submission, it is the fear of exposure of "aberrant desires" for out of the norm social, physical and sexual interests.

    I believe there are a significant number of women who discover their submissive nature, and desire to express it, later in life. Very often they are already in marriages or long term relationships that are not conducive to manifesting that submission. Fear of ridicule or censure causes them to suppress those desires. Much as wanderingblueeyes's husband responded to her expressed masochism, and how she subsequently shut that part of herself down.

    You have been very fortunate to have had partners in your life that were accepting of your submissiveness and kink. Others have not, and they fear that exposure, not fear the submission.

  5. David, while I often find myself in agreement with you, I gotta stand with peresephone on this one lOL

    truth - I think Dr. Phl is the worst type of synophant - a pretentious wanker with delusions of grandeur who uses trite language and psycho babble to mask his glaring lack of true insight.

    I don't find I relate to this article one little bit! Like peresephone, I have always been a rebel ... and in my salad days made my own mark on a man's world (and believe me it wasn't easy) - I continue to be a strong, committed and passionate humanist and feminist AND a submissive ..

    Certaintly, I've always rowed my own boat when it came to my desires but I DO acknowledge, particularly in view of my age, that is unusual.... I do know I`ve always been lucky to have confidence and belief in the rightness of my sexuality - from the beginning and into the period when I acknwowledged it didn`t quite follow a straight path ...

    I don't deny that perhaps some people might see themselves reflected in the article; however, other than describing how they feel, I'm not sure how he really gives them tools or true insight in how to overcome what is most likely a lifetime of hiding in the shadows....

    Sorry, but I am SO not a Dr. Phil fan LOL

  6. hi again david. :) this was thought-provoking enough to pull me back to the blogosphere momentarily at least.

    i understand what you are saying, but i do not think that the situation that you or wanderingblue describe is about the submissive woman's fear. it's about her husband's fear of the different and unknown (and of seeing it in his beloved). she's not afraid to tell him things for no reason-- she doesn't want to tell him things because he's already shown her that he's not going to support her. therefore, dr. phil's article is really not applicable at all to the submissive woman. because the situation you describe is not about her not fulfilling her dreams because she's afraid, it's about not fulfilling her dreams because her dream includes involving someone who is afraid himself and has made it clear that he's going to reject or hurt her.

    it's not a fear of exposure, it's a rational fear of rejection. it's completely understandable for a woman in this situation to want to be measured about what she shares. no dr. phil mumbo jumbo will change that interpersonal difficulty, because it's not about the woman, it's about her relationship with her husband (and perhaps, as i mentioned, HIS fear).

    furthermore, in your original post you said that this article would be useful for submissive women, not submissive women who were having a hard time coming out to their husbands. i'm not offended, but i do hate the way i sometimes get waved off as if i can't understand anything because i've sought out my desires early on with people who knew how to accept me. i was simply responding to your assertion that this article would be good for submissive women, of which i am one.

  7. The post on my blog has nothing to do with submissive women, per se, and can pertain to men just as easily. I have never been a proponent of Dr. Phil's, in fact I know very little about the man, or his philosophies on life.

    The article, however, helped me to recognize the fact that I have, in my lifetime, done many things solely to please others and have sacrificed my personal beliefs and philosophies to keep the peace and maintain equilibrium. I, as well, know other people, men and women, who have done the same.

    This article describes living your life in an incapacitated way because you are afraid of showing others who you are.

    This article is about not hiding yourself for fear that the uncovering will lead to being rejected.

    Whether or not persephone or selkie can relate to the article is hardly the point. Many lucky souls in the world "do" have the self confidence and wherewithal to not let fear stand in there way........more power to them.

    For those of us not quite as blessed, however, this article is simply a "voice" that mirrors the dilemma that many people have lived with; It is nice to know there are others out there that feel the same way that you do.

    Surely everyone can relate to that.

    @wanderingblueeyes.....I would like to speak with you. It seems that you and I are in very similar situations.