February 24, 2009

What's Love Got To Do With It?

From The Thinking Dominant - Journal prompts and writing tasks for the Top's mind...because Dominants need help formulating their thoughts sometimes too....

Is love different in D/s relationships compared to vanilla ones?
The obvious answer at first blush is, love is love, and it is true. Two people caring for each other, drawn together through common interests and affection. However, I think at times there is a greater intensity. Perhaps even infatuation, leading to a strong love and affection. Here is a man who has recognized a girl's special needs/desires and not only does he not think she is crazy, he nurtures and feeds these new and wonderful feelings, making her feel all the more special. This in turn magnifies her affection and passion for him.

Do Dominants and submissives love differently?
Love differently than each other? Or, love differently than other men and women? I suspect not, in either case. Setting aside my comments about intensity or infatuation, I think love is love. But I also think that because of the inherent communications within a D/s relationship, the love is more deeply rooted. I think there are differences in the way men love women compared to how women love men, and their dominant or submissive natures do not fundamentally affect that.

Have you experienced submissives falling in love faster than Dominants?
As I said, I think there is often an intensity you don't find as often in other relationships. Additionally, the submissive might well develop a strong infatuation early on in the relationship.

Are there types of love in D/s?

I think of D/s as the relationship between people. They may be involved in some kind of BDSM relationship, from the most extreme sadomasochistic bonding to the much more vanilla-ish head of household pairings, but ultimately, it is still two people caring for each other, drawn together through common interests and affection.

You can see what others had to say at: http://thinkingdom.the-iron-gate.com/2009/02/10/love/


  1. Its interesting to have a male and dominant perspective to these questions.

    Though generalisations are always inherently difficult, you make a point here which I've often made in the past...that the level of communication in most D/s relationships often leads to that love becoming more deep rooted and quite possibly more able to withstand life's difficulties.

    I tried...resisted....for a very long time loving Master because of past history, yet it appears even that, in the end, was within his control...smiles.

    love and hugs xxx

  2. One of the things I've learned as a submissive woman, (or I should say, consolidated) is that there *are* different kinds of love. I think for a long time I knew that, but feared it, being in a vanilla marriage. That knowledge went against what I thought was possible in my life.

    But, I've since discovered that you can love your husband in a deep and abiding way, but still love a mentor, say, in a way that doesn't harm, or affect the love for your husband.

    When all three (or more) of you understand that, and there is no threat, it allows a woman the opportunity to express all that is in her heart, and personally speaking, that's incredibly enriching and honest.


  3. for me, love and submission are indvisible. The intensity of the connection precludes anything else. But I do realize that is not true for everyone. It is not right nor wrong. Just the uniqueness of one individual.

    I also would not say, however, that an intense vanilla relationship is "less than" or "less intense" - just different - I thihk there is a tendency to see the intensity of a D/s as "more than" but that is not ncessarily true (to my mind) -

    I also think becuase of the intensity (and truth to tell, particularly if there is s/m invovled) you can create an increased intensity - but ultimately, as in ANY relationship, time, commitment and experience will out - if the conneciton is real and once realities intrude and the first blush wears off, you will see whether the commitment is in truth there or simply the first rush of any new relationship ...

    Also, I believe there is an often spurious but seemingly REAL intensity generated in online relationships - a belief that you're "seeing" into the other person when in actuality, you are only seeing one facet ... so I think that there is the possiblity of seeing something as intense and real when again, only TIME will gauge its steel.

  4. I can only comment based on one significant relationship, which I'm still in recovery from... The *love* was not quite romantic love, though it did have a lot of the same elements... But even though I never fantasized about growing old with this person, my heart was filled by him completely and is torn to shreds now that we're apart. I can't imagine getting there with a vanilla boyfriend, because I wouldn't be with him were I not "in love".

    So I can love this man -- that intensely -- and as Selkie said, in a way tied inextricably to my submission to him -- but not consider it being in love... I guess that's different. But I also could not have loved or been in love with anyone else in parallel. It was a total commitment, the only way I could feel that strongly.