January 14, 2009

Responsibilities of a Submissive

I received this list in email from one of the local BDSM clubs, and share it for your consideration. Perhaps they are all just common sense:

Spend adequate time exploring yourself, your needs and desires. Learn what your needs, desires and goals are; define them adequately. Make a list.

Learn the difference between what you need and what you want. Sometimes you cannot have both. Be careful what you wish for . . . you may just get it.

Educate yourself - make the most of the resources that are available, but don't believe everything you hear or read. Trust reputable sources, but make your own mind up about what is the truth.

Learn and understand your limitations, in depth.

Remember you have the right to "ask". Remember common sense, and use it.

Remember the choice to submit is not a sign of weakness it is an adult choice.

Be aware of the difference between consensual BDSM and abuse. Do not suffer abuse from anyone. If it is not consensual on behalf of both parties, it is abuse.

Learn how to negotiate. Don't be afraid to ask, question and communicate. Be honest with yourself.

Respect yourself and be respectful of others who deserve of it.

Recognize that your submission is given freely and that it is not something to be taken by force. Choose wisely to whom you give.

Accept responsibility for your own happiness and welfare.

Balance your submission with the other areas of your life.

Remember that you have the right to say "No".

Never let anyone take your self-dignity away. Like yourself, love yourself, be your own best friend.

Remember others also have agendas and they may not be the same as yours. Don't allow yourself to be used, unless of course, that is part of your kink.

Communicate your needs to your partner, ask for what you desire (do not demand or expect).

Because you choose to submit to a partner does not mean you are submissive to anyone else.

Communicate your limits to your partner. Expect them to be respected. Refuse to participate in any activity outside of your limits or that you are not ready for. Accept your partner’s limits. (Yes, Dominants have limits too.) They also have the right to say "No".

Communicate your feelings without blame or guilt. Be as interested in what your partner feels and says as you are in yourself. Remember that you and your partner are human and entitled to understanding, compassion and support.

Refuse to allow yourself to be abused, be it emotionally, physically, or psychologically.

Forgive yourself and your partner for mistakes.

Ask your partner for help when you need it.

Expect respect from your partner. Respect your partner.

Be appreciative of the gift of Domination that your partner gives to you.

Take pride and strive for excellence in your submission as you do in everyday life.
Take pride in your appearance.

It is your responsibility to be of good health and to advise your partner of any change in that regard.

Listen to your partner and His/Her needs and desires.

Be willing to consider, with an open mind, what your partner suggests or requests.

Understand that it takes two to make a partnership work. Be willing to accept your share of the blame when things go wrong.

Remember that before D/s, basic humanness comes first. Know when it is time to set aside D/s and be a helper, friend, lover, husband, mother, wife or whatever.

Be patient. Growth takes time.


  1. What a great list, so much good stuff there... thank you for sharing it.

    warm wishes x

  2. Hi David:
    A very comprehensive list. I will probably be back to read this more than once.
    I am reallly enjoying your One Day Visit Series, and eagerly awaiting your next installment if you are so inclined to continue with this story.
    Take Care
    Andrades Girl

  3. Yes, that is an impressive and comprehensive list of "do's and don't" and a few deeper considerations too. Much of what is there is common sense as you say, but it's good to have a nice reminder from time to time as it's easy to forget and lose yourself.

  4. Hi David:
    I would like to put this list on my sidebar for others to see and so I can check it out everyday as I am newly submissive, would that be okay with you? I would certainly give your blog the credit.
    Take care
    Andrades Girl

  5. Yes, please feel free to use this information as you wish, as best suits you, with my best wishes.

    And yes, there will be more to the One Day Visit series, I hope to complete part 3 this weekend.


  6. David,

    Thank you for posting this. Whether a newly discovered submissive or an "old-timer", all of us can benefit from it at those times when we feel a bit like we've lost our direction.


  7. Happy Birthday???

    All good things for another healthy, happy year.


  8. You are very observant s/nik, yes, and thank you very much.

  9. "Be careful what you wish for . . . you may just get it."

    Yes, exactly.

  10. You know...so many of these just apply to life in general! I was especially moved by "learn your limitations...in depth." I can definitely see how this would be a MUST in a D/s relationship, but after some of the crap that has gone on in my life lately I'm taking that to heart.

    I learned the hard way that I have a breaking point and I reach it much faster when I remain stubborn and don't ask for help.

    Thank you for posting this. I'm printing it off and keeping it handy. :)

  11. I agree with Naughty Girl, these really can apply to so many things. Frankly, they are just good rules for most anyone.

    Thanks :-)

  12. This is a wonderful list. Really.


  13. Thank you for posting this. It helped put things into perspective. i can now protect myself and appreciate my own submissive qualities with better communication. Our conversation online helped as well. Thank you. i don't have outlook express on the computer i use,or i would email you.