Six Years

Five fingers, and a thumb? Maybe this explains why I haven't been writing/typing? Well, probably not.

Six years of blogging. Well, 5 years of blogging and then the last year of owning the blog but barely using the blog. I am surprised, and pleased, to see that people are still visiting the blog even though I have contributed little to it over this past year.


I am certainly not done with Frederick and Agnes although I have left them alone for over a year and I wonder what has developed between the two of them. We will have to watch and see.

The whole landscape of Dominance and submission and BDSM seems changed over the past six year. So much more prevalent and accepted these days, more outlets for opinions and perspectives; things like FetLife, Shades of Gray, and a gazillion blogs, so much more "out there" than it was six years ago. I am not sure if that is better or worse?

And there has been a nearly complete turn over of the blogs I discovered and followed 3 and 5 and 6 years ago. I know many people say, 5 years is a good run for a blog. Perhaps I have run my course? Who knows, I certainly hope not.

Equal but Different

A current post by Pygar, A Kind Dom, asks, “Who is in control?”, I responded:
"Ultimately, they each have the power to end the exchange, but it is a power exchange. She exchanges her power for his control and having done so, as long as the relationship/exchange continues, the Dom is in control.
If the sub withdraws, there no longer is a "who?"."

Two related topics, again by Pygar and his correspondents, “submission and feminism” and “submission, feminism and equality” also talk about who is in control but goes on to discuss the question of the value of the submissive in the power exchange relationship. The construct for women that is called feminism is about a quest for equality, and the full and complete right to choose from all the available options. There is nothing about feminism that equates to dominance just as there is nothing in it that is tied to submission.

Aisha also spoke on this topic in response to the Newsweek article about 50 Shades of Grey that suggests that the submission portrayed in that story is anti-feminist. She says:

". . . they’re trying to figure out the connection between women being equal and being submissive at the same time without understanding BDSM at all."'

and

"But i think it increases the split, creates a greater dichotomy, between feminism and submission, when in fact, it is not even a split. Not a dichotomy at all."

I think it is interesting that she titles her post, BDSM Lite because it reflects the common misconceptions. Until you have the real, personal, and visceral experience of Dominance/submission as Aisha says, you are almost sure to see the two positions in a hierarchical view where one is above the other, not a linear view, where they are truly side by side, equal but different.


Feminism is about having equal rights; what is done with those rights and that choice, it seems to me, is up to the individual. Some women may choose to take on a strong business challenge or be a dominant leader in her career, or to grab the reins of her relationship and lead her husband/man in the course of their connection and activities. Or, exercise that same free will and equal opportunity to choose letting go of her power in the context of a power exchange relationship where she knowingly relinquishes control and ceeds it over to her partner. Of course, she knows she can always take that power/control back, effectively ending the power exchange dynamic and perhaps consequently the relationship, or at least the currrent formulation of the relationship.

But there is no hierarchy like:

Dominant

Feminist

Submissive

where if one is a feminist there is a better/higher position called Dominant and/or a lower/lesser one called Submissive. The feminist is a feminist, whether she chooses to be dominant or submissive or neither. Perhaps it is more like this:

Dominant - Feminist - Submissive

where she can choose either on a linear scale with no hierarchy involved at all. One is no better than the other, except as it relates to her personal feelings, perspective and desires.

There seems to be a popular sense, a misconception, that Dominant is superior to Submissive, higher, better? Admittedly in the context of a power exchange there may be that appearance. A feeling that the Top is above the bottom, qualitatively, not just physically, but I have always seen the dynamic as, again, "equal but different." I am not a better person because I am a Dominant nor do I see a/my submissive as a lesser person, nor would she view herself in that way. That “who is in control” discussion poses the exact question, who is in charge, who has control, who has the ultimate power. I would suggest that both parties have the power and control because without them being in the relationship 100% each, equally giving themselves to each other, there is not power exchange, no dynamic, and really no relationship.

Happy Valentine's Day

Entwine

Divine

My Valentine

Friends

Where

gold

ends

and

golden

begins

Four Years - Fore!!

Thanks Sweet girl

Beware: the coming of Krampus!

Four years, wow! Who'da thunk it?
When I started this blog it was with the intent of gathering and collecting a list of interesting blogs to follow, "For now this will be a repository for links rediscovered, and read and appreciated." I still have a fairly extensive collection at my Blog Roll a ways down in the side bar, but this space has come to mean so much more to me over these past four years. Some know me as a carguy and I have always been very fond of Datsun/Nissan, whose motto for many years was, "Life is a journey, enjoy the ride." Thank you all for coming along with me on this journey, I have enjoyed the ride and see that many others have also. When I last looked at my hit meter I was hovering just below 120,000 visits.

---

I was reading back through previous Blogaversary posts and was reminded of this comment:

Anonymous said...I have been meaning to write to thank you. I found your blog about 1 year ago. In you, I recognized a man I had known 25 years ago, and had run from because I didn't understand who I was. I found him recently and am now happily owned. I would not have had the courage to look without your writings.

I am so happy to present an image, that would evoke such a reaction. It humbles me.

---

I have really enjoyed participating in the Flash Fiction Friday series of writing challenges and making new friends there. Because of the generally limited word count available and a picture to evoke ideas, it is an excellent exercise in imagination and expression. I really do encourage everyone to look it over and give it a try. It is all in fun, there is no right or wrong way to do it. I often further challenge myself to pick a specific number of words and write to that count. That has led me to start a little writing project called 100 Words. Small enough to knock out in an hour or two, and long enough to depict a full scene or interaction, or explore a thought or frame of reference. We will see how that goes.

---

Of special note this year, I am very excited to have been selected by Rori for inclusion in her list of the Top 100 Sex Blogs of 2011. I started this blog to express D/s thoughts and ideas and quickly recognized that there were multiple, overlapping realms. Just over a year ago I made a conscious decision to focus on writing stories rather than essays/articles and express ideas and views through examples. I am honored to be included in Rori's list this year, thanks to those who nominated and selected me.

---

And what is ahead? I am not sure. Likely more of the same, some more Frederick and Agnes assuredly. More, shorter pieces in the 100 Words style. I have tried some different presentation styles this past year and the one before; things like I Like Your Dream, an audio, and an attempt at a visual impact with The Path. I will continue to look for others.

Again, thank you all for coming along, this blog has been my pleasure and will continue to be. So, let's lock arms and stride forward toward the future, whatever it may bring.

Bullies

I am a tall man, maybe what some would call a big man, and through a practiced demeanor, very immune to the likelihood of being bullied by others. However, growing up I was lanky, and awkward, lacking in social skills, even shy and reserved. Because of that I was subject to negative attention from others who found in me an opportunity to exert their power over someone else. I hesitate to call it bullying because I do not want to co-opt the sense of helplessness so many young people must feel when they are singled out by others and treated badly.

Over the past couple years I have followed this issue of bullying in the various media and come to recognize it for what it is. I have my notions about what it’s origins likely are and see that those origins are not an excuse, and are not permission, to treat others badly.

A friend recently posted the following remarks on her Facebook page and I wanted to give her thoughts an additional venue and add my voice to it.

That girl you just called fat? She's overdosing on diet pills.

The boy you just tripped? He is abused enough at home.

That girl you just called ugly? She spends hours putting makeup on hoping people will like her.

That man with the ugly scars? He fought for his country.

That guy you just made fun of for crying? His mother is dying.

As a dominant man (not that dominance has anything to do with it really), I am ashamed of the way so many people treat others but feel a sense of powerlessness to do anything about it, I really have no solution. I can be an example and I can step in if I witness that kind of behavior and I can speak up when I have the opportunity. I am taking this opportunity.

I suspect I am preaching to the choir here, but perhaps something here will affect someone somewhere and it will have made a difference. I hope so.

Humble Pie

Humiliation vs Humility

Given a circumstance in which you need to humble yourself; you can have two reactions, ego based denial, or self revealing acceptance.

Apologize for inconveniencing another/others, taking responsibility and having that conversation with the offended party. You often fear that they will think less of you, not trust or value you as they did before you screwed up, and that can cause you to avoid, or excuse, or deflect, or deny; or, you can stand up and say, yes I did it. Thank them for the opportunity to set it right and demonstrate you have learned a lesson; which will raise your value and integrity in their eyes immensely, and within yourself as well.

Happy Valentine's Day

Happy Valentine's Day

(From XKCD)

Year Three

"It has always been one or three, never two, never stop at two - - three, or more, is best"

The past three years of blogging have been a wonderful experience for me. An engineer and a technocrat; discovering an ability to write, to conjure up images, to construct fantasies, and tell stories, and humor, and interact with a readership that has been more than generous and kind.

This year has been an odd mix of articles and stories - like the continuation (and perhaps the end) of the Consensual Stalker series, even a "reading" and a couple of very expressive songs, particularly Far Far. Also, I included a fanciful zany, but wonderful little song that was "given to me" that you can find in the sidebar, Love Letter To Japan - - - - The Bird And The Bee.

This past year, I have tried to add in some new approaches, like the music, even including a reading. The one that made it to the blog was a reading of a story from a collection of erotica, Curled in a Ball. I have recorded a couple of my own writings but they were never posted, perhaps in the coming year they will show up.

I had vowed to myself to write more this year but not surprised, I didn't. In fact I have the same number of posts in 2010 as in 2009. In an effort to rectify that, I intend a couple of collaborations in the coming year, and I have recently started participating in Flash Fiction Friday, a weekly discipline that I have enjoyed so far and plan to continue, and invite you to join.

Writing this blog has brought me great pleasure and satisfaction. I am flattered and humbled by the acceptance of my offerings and thank you all, each and every, one and many.

Year Two - - - Year One - - - In the Beginning 

Close Enough

In the main, a man is happy to have a beautiful, and talented, and lovely woman for a partner, one who compliments him, accentuates him, makes him happy. He wants to be comfortable in the relationship and so does not make any real demands, does not want anything, he thinks she is just fine as she is. And she may be, but maybe she wants to be more, wants to grow and expand, and certainly he is happy to support her in her growth, if that is what she wants, gladly.

But on the whole, men accept their partners nearly as they are, and feel happy/lucky to have them and grateful that their personalities overlap so well and accept that, as is, for the most part. He doesn't want anything more from her, for her, of her. He certainly doesn't want her to think that he thinks she needs to change. He thinks she is just fine as she is. Having found that partner, someone who is enough, just as they are, he has no real thought or intent that he might improve her or help her improve, although he certainly would likely be supportive.

And then there are some men, men who have what? Some kind of arrogance? Certain kinds of men who want to help and mold their partner. Delve into her wishes, and wants, and desires, dig down and find out what she needs, and find ways to bring those urges and impulses to the surface. To nurture them, to work with her, work on her, actively help her strive toward that ideal, to work on making her the perfect something special. To blend in his own desires, and intentions, and direction; his vision of her as well. He wants to challenge, and coach, and question, and push, all these things to help her grow, and become even more. And he knows she might resist from time to time, but will come to rely on that push and guidance, that encourages her.

I read this recently:

. . . what is wonderful about being a submissive is that the right dominant man can teach you so much about yourself. As a submissive, your place is not just to serve, but to grow; to flourish in his attentive and intelligent care.

Yin yang are complementary opposites within a greater whole. Everything has both yin and yang aspects, although yin or yang elements may manifest more strongly in different objects or at different times. Yin yang constantly interacts, never existing in absolute stasis.

A Submissive Test?

I think most of us enjoy these various internet tests that give us a chance to evaluate or validate or gain some kind of insight into our personalities. I have featured a couple on this blog:

Myer-Briggs Personality Sorter

Inclination to BDSM

What Kind of Weather Am I

I recently came across "The Submissive Test", which appears to have been made up by someone over on OKCupid. Thank turiya over at Spirited Meanderings for bringing this to light, have some fun with it. I don't know how scientific or accurate or fair it is, but these kinds of things are always fun to take and show to our friends and say things like, "See, I told you." or "Wow, that really surprises me." So, to give credit where due, if you want to take the test, and why wouldn't you? Here is the link, go take the test, you know you want to:

Submissive Test

I took the test, on the premise that even as a dominant, if I answer the questions honestly and indicate my likes and dislikes, perhaps it will provide some kind of insight into what it is about submissives that excite me. I found some of the questions difficult to answer for a couple reasons, one perhaps being that I am not a submissive and so the mindset for the answer is not clear within me, but also I found some of the questions did not offer a good clear choice, and so I selected the closest answer, or the least un-favorite answer. I guess this is likely true for many of these kinds of multiple choice quizzes.

At any rate, it was kind of fun, I don't put a lot of stock in the answers, but I agree that it offers a fair insight.

Oh, yea, yes, of course, sure I did, she is most likely:

a Submitter

You scored: 30% Humiliation, 67% Submissiveness, 39% Service, and 42% Pain

Yea, pretty much, I'd say, sounds pretty right?

Take You For a Ride in My Car-Car

Driving home from work on Friday, I was reminded of how much I love to drive a car, I always have. (I even participated in amateur auto racing several years back.) As I drove along, I noticed how comfortable I was, settled in my seat, feet on the pedals, holding the steering wheel, strapped in place by the belts, operating the controls, enjoying the whole process. Fully engaged in observing the activities around me, maneuvering in traffic, adjusting, compensating, making allowances for the vagaries of others, ready to adapt to situations that might arise.

And then I got to thinking about being in a car, going somewhere, and realized, I am always the driver, never the passenger. I have made various excuses for it over the years, even to the point of offering to drive when it was not completely practical, or there may have been advantage to letting another drive. One of the associated pleasures or related tasks is always to be sure there is a well preplanned trip, virtually always knowing where I am going, how best to get there and alternatives along the way should unforeseen events disrupt the adventure.

Another aspect of this is perhaps some old fashioned chauvinism from my upbringing. I can probably count on one hand the number of times I have been a passenger in a car when a woman was driving, or anyone for that matter. It has nothing to do with an attitude about women drivers because, again when racing several years ago, some of my fiercest and most effective competition were female drivers. I think it is simply part of my make up, perhaps along with other old fashioned notions. She once wrote a story that started out thus:

"My first clue that something was amiss was him handing me the car keys and coming around to open the door for me. He never lets me drive, 'Driving is a man's responsibility, ladies should ride and relax', I had heard many times before. After I was seated in the car . . . he offered me the buckle for my seat belt, which I pulled across and clicked into place."

When I am taking a girl somewhere, I always open the passengers door, making sure she is settled, comfortable, and fully ready before closing the door, and going around and getting into the drivers seat. Once settled into the car, I again check to be sure she is buckled in, comfortable, the seat is adjusted to her comfort and convenience, that all is well and we are both ready to get underway.

One additional thing I have noticed, and have had pointed out to me, particularly when I am driving with enthusiasm and vigor, since I have a hold of the steering wheel and obviously am aware of where and when I will be accelerating, braking, turning and making other tactical moves, I am in greater control of my experience in the car. It has been pointed out to me that the passenger, who has simply the seat under them and the seat belt around them, has less connection with the vehicle. They are not privy to the movements or actions I might be taking at any time. In other words, the passenger is usually slightly off balance, and more affected by my whim.

Additionally, there is most always an agenda when traveling in a car, going somewhere, an intention, a plan, something to be done, and again, the passenger is not usually aware of the full scope of what is planned or intended.

It occurs to me as I have thought this through, and written it out, it is clearly not just about driving a car, is it?

Thoughts about Rules

Recently persephone/meg wrote at length about a new rule regarding Stray Hairs, (or spair hair). I can certainly sympathize with her regarding the unmanageable stray hairs, because I prefer girls with longer rather than shorter hair. But I also empathize with Luke regarding the mess that results, and concur with the imposition of a related rule.

But my point here is really about something meg said in the comment section in response to one of her readers, and has nothing to do with hair, but rather rules. I think it bears repeating out in the open rather than being buried in a comment. Not everyone will agree with this, but I, and many I know, think that rules should be fun.

The core of her comment, "as for resenting the rules, i have no idea. i've never done this sort of thing before. however, just because the rules are made doesn't mean that they can't be changed! if i were to start feeling resentful of rules, obviously we would sit down and discuss and make changes. i wouldn't resent luke, because this is all a collaborative process... we chose together to have rules because we thought it would be sexy, so if it stops being sexy then there is no reason to continue having rules."

As a dominant I love reactions to rules, admittedly they are not always positive but when they are, it is the icing on the cake of the Dom/sub relationship. How much fun it is to get these kinds of reactions:

• . . . a shower when I get home from work, against my resistance to water and time spent, but following his instructions anyway turning me on . . .
  
• I enjoyed the reading more and more because I was doing what he had told me to do . . .
• The instruction was simple, and it came with the beginning of a story, to add to my distraction.
• I start thinking about rules. I like rules. What could be a list of rules?
• . . . doing sexual things I don't want to because someone's enjoying making me.

Of course there are going to be serious rules too, made for the welfare or well being of one or the other, or both people. But on balance, make rules that titillate, challenge, arouse, frustrate, tease, entertain, stimulate, and so on.

Again, if you start resenting rules, sit down and change them, don't let that resentment creep into the relationship, and poison the fun. Relationships are supported to be fun, no? Yes!

"If you're not in it for fun, I'm outta here!"

Companioning

A few months ago I was in a discussion with a friend about a troubling situation, mostly acting as a sounding board, and offered some small amount of perspective. As we were saying good-bye, she ended the conversation with, "thank you for companioning me on this little journey" and it struck a chord.

It is often said that D/s (separate from BDSM, if they can be separated), is as much or more mental than physical. When thinking about my friends remark, this mental aspect was once again brought to mind. While I was unfamiliar with the term companioning, I immediately got the contextual sense of it - companion - A person who accompanies or associates with another; a comrade. In other words, someone who goes along with another, yes?

Derived from the practice of grief counseling, this notion of companioning focuses the attention of the counselor away from being the person who fixes something, toward being a comrade who is accompanying someone on a journey. A journey of discovery, finding a way from their current state to a condition or place where they understand, and have some mastery over the circumstances of their lives. It is not about thinking for them, putting your wisdom into their head, so they are smarter. It is guiding them, being a companion on their journey of self discovery, or self recognition.

What does that have to do with dominance and submission? Dominants are supposed to be leaders, providing guidance, show the way, give direction, be in control, active, forceful, managing, employing physical and mental control; all true enough. But also, a dominant can and should be quiet, thoughtful, observant, and reflective; more representative of the dominant as a mentor or guide or leader of another kind, a companion. There are times when each approach can be appropriate.

In discussing the application of companioning, she said:

The trick is learning to be dominant enough to accept the position of authority that a therapist must have in a therapeutic relationship in order to help the patient feel safe. Of course, it's not a kind of authority that you take by force-- the patient is always "in charge" in a way, but sometimes firmness is required.

Interesting isn't it? lets substitute a few words:

The trick is learning to be dominant enough to accept the position of authority that a master-mentor must have in a master-mentor relationship in order to help the submissive feel safe. Of course, it's not a kind of authority that you take by force-- the submissive is always "in charge" in a way, but sometimes firmness is required.

I remember a woman wrote about her interactions with a dominant, "I didn't know what to make of his interest. I mistrusted it. No one had ever wanted to know so much about me. But he didn't ask about details that might reveal my identity, not the color of my hair or what I did for work. Instead, he demonstrated a focused interest in precisely defining my feelings. He listened well. He asked clarifying questions - "Did you feel dislike, or discomfort?" He occasionally offered insight, but more often simply encouraged my own answers to emerge. And in every conversation, I found myself discovering more about who I am."
Someone commented, "Quite an experience for you. I fully identified with the experience of being cared for in that way . . . It's that intense interest that is really the key, not the restraints and paddles. He really wants to understand your psychology and make his decisions from that point of view."

pixiepie once said, "Sometimes we just need to be heard… we just need to know that we are valued for our emotions - good and bad…easy and hard…we just need to hear ‘tell me what happened’ or ‘how did that make you feel’ or even just ‘I understand’.
I don’t want or need to hear… ‘what do you need me to do’ or ‘what can I do from here’ or even ‘it will all be brighter in the morning’."

Sometimes what is needed is a comrade, a companion, someone "going into the forest with a lost person and being with them, supporting them, being with them in their fear and confusion, but not showing them the way out, because that is something they have to do for themselves, it is their task of self discovery."

It is very much a ‘guy’ thing to want to fix problems; I know I have heard it so many times: ‘I don’t want solutions, I want you to listen!’ Submissiveness does not need to be fixed, things do not need to be made right.

Quite often what is needed is simply someone who understands, who is willing to come along for the ride, a companion.

Tenets of Companioning

Companioning is more about curiosity; it is less about our expertise.

• Those we support are the experts on their experience
• Being too attached to our expertise may estrange us from those we wish to serve
• “Teach me…”
• Earn the right to offer advice, guidance or direction

Companioning is about walking alongside; Less about leading or being led.

• Key is to “invite” others to take a step toward what might be important
• No judgment
• No expectation
• No pushing or pulling to some prescribed outcome for the convenience of others

Companioning is about being still; Not always about urgent movement forward.

• Finding a place of stillness inside ourselves
• Stillness means heightened awareness, not dormancy
• Holding the moment in anticipation that something important is developing
• Far more important to be in relationship than to make something happen

Companioning is discovering the gifts of sacred silence; not filling up every moment with talk.

• Show up without urgency or expectation
• Practice silence in dialogue. Delay your responses on purpose.
• Chatter may disrupt one from formulating important thoughts
• Pay attention and be curious about your own personal discomfort with silence.
• Watch others for signs of wanted response.

Companioning is about being present to another’s emotional and spiritual pain; not taking away or fixing it.

• Challenge old definitions of “helping”
• Emotional and spiritual pain must be allowed to flourish before it can subside
• We stop people from grieving at our discomfort level
• Spiritual and emotional pain is a necessary part of healing…albeit, in its most distressing guise

Companioning is about respecting disorder and confusion; not imposing order and logic.

• Is life so orderly?
• Companions can provide a point of grounding for others to tether themselves to
• Know where to turn for help
• Understand that some coping and healing has a chaotic look to it
• Reality check with your support; restore your own energy

Companioning is about going into the wilderness of the soul with another; it is not about thinking you are responsible for finding a way out.

• Willingness to walk into regions of mystery with no answers or even clear direction
• Willingness to sift through ashes for meaning while possibly not offering your own opinion
• Willingness to accept whatever state of reconciliation another is able to find with their loss

Source material for this list from Tenets of Companioning

If you are interesting in knowing more about this idea, Google "companioning" or "tenets of companioning".

deux ans - dos años - twee jaar - due anni - two years

(731 days -175,000 hours - over 1 million minutes)

I said this last year and it is twice as true now - I have gotten to know many new and interesting people. Too many have come and gone, but are not forgotten. Some have retired, others have found other direction in their lives. They will be missed, but I am better for having known them, and shared a small slice of life. However, so many more are still here and I look forward each day to hearing what they, what you, have to say, it nurtures and sustains me, thank you all, so very very much.

A catalogue of visitors from quite literally all around the globe, and last year I was amazed by a counter of over 20,000 visits, and that number is now over 55,000 and it boggles my mind.

I have received wonderful and supportive feedback from so many people. I have written less this year than I did the first, considerably more fictionalized encounters, story lines continued beyond First Meeting, to the One Day Visit story line and the whole Consensual Stalker BS series. I had never tried that style of writing before, and frankly I continue to be humbled by the acceptance and response. I have particularly liked these stories because they have given me an opportunity to illustrate through words, rather than discussions of D/s concepts, how I view the connection between a Dominant and his submissive partner. I am also particularly pleased to have written other pieces including A New Master, Prolongation, What's In It For Me and Labels and Dogma.

I was speaking with a friend as I was writing this and she summed it up quite well, "And, what a lot of fun in those two years!"

Thank you all, thank you very much.

Tactics and Strategy

a poem by Mario Benedetti

Tactica y Estrategia

Mi táctica es mirarte,
aprender como sos
quererte como sos.

Mi táctica es hablarte
y escucharte
construir con palabras
un puente indestructible.

Mi táctica es
quedarme en tu recuerdo
no sé cómo ni sé
con qué pretexto
pero quedarme en vos.

Mi táctica es ser franco
y saber que sos franca
y que no nos vendamos simulacros
para que entre los dos
no haya telón ni abismos.

Mi estrategia es en cambio
más profunda y más simple
Mi estrategia es
que un día cualquiera
no sé cómo ni sé
con qué pretexto
por fin me necesites.

-------------------------

Translation:

Tactics and Strategy

My tactics are to look at you
To learn how you are
To like you how you are.

My tactics are to talk to you
And listen to you
To construct with words
An indestructible bridge.

My tactics are
To stay in your memory
I do not know how
Or with what pretext
But to be left in you.

My tactics are to be frank
And to know that you are frank
And not to sell lies to each other
So that between both of us
There is no curtains or abysses.

My strategy is however
Deeper and simpler
My strategy is
That one day
I do not know how
Or with what pretext
Finally you need me.

-------------------------
Credit to Those we won't forget by Eva Huntress

Prolongation

He really did enjoy his visits with her, but there were times, particularly late into the night, when she acted quite strange. For no apparent reason, she would get up and dance, much like a frenetic dervish . . . and he wondered . . .

xkcd - webcomic of romance, sarcasm, math, and language

grand Father's Day

It was a Father's Day, 13 or 14 years ago, and most of the family and friends had come by, with a barbecue planned for later in the day. I remember I was sitting on the couch, watching TV, some kind of auto race. Tracy's husband was sitting with me, he was an auto racing fan also. Krista, Tracy's daughter, and her cousin Leslie were running around and playing, like 5 or 6 year old kids would do. Krista was always rambunctious and energetic, often seen as hard to handle, willfulness was a term used often. However, she was always calm and attentive when she would hang out with me, always helpful and cooperative.

On that particular day, from time to time, Tracy would come out of the kitchen and tell Krista, "Be quiet." "Settle down." "Go play in the family room.", and other various attempts at trying to create calm and quiet. Finally, after too long, with little or no result, I called Krista over to me, and said, "Krista, you and Leslie go back and play in the family room unless you want to sit down here and be quiet." Her response was simply, "Okay. Leslie, let's go."

As she was walking out of the room, her mother stopped her and asked, "Why is it that when I ask you to do something, you argue, or ignore me, and go right back to doing what you were doing, as if I hadn't even said anything? But when Grandpa asks you to do something, you just go do it?" Krista looked at me, smiled, and then back at her mother, and answered, "Because when poo-paw says it, he means it." Then, she and Leslie took off down the hall toward the family room.

It had nothing to do with punishment or consequences; it was always about intention, and consistency, and purpose. Her connection to me was very different from others in the family.

W I I F M

What is it about being a dominant that satisfies and fulfills?

If it was a six word meme, my answers would be; closeness, affection, trust, respect, pride, appreciation

The relationship between a dominant and a submissive is first and foremost, simply, a relationship between two people. It has all of those feelings of affection, friendship, closeness, loving and caring, in both directions, as does any other relationship. Creating a safe space for a submissive girl to be herself, recognizing the depths of a girls feelings, you will likely bring out sadness, fear, embarrassment, humiliation, and shame, all of these feelings that are often hidden away and considered negative, you open up a huge vulnerability. But, when you acknowledge those feelings, make it okay to have those feelings, it is liberating. Creating a safe place to explore how they can fit in her life, to let her know that it really is absolutely OK to be needy and lonely and afraid, and to have the light of that realization and it's comfort shine back on you, how can you not get something out of that?

There is an affection that is returned that can have an overwhelming intensity and depth. I receive a great deal of satisfaction from being able to make a positive contribution in someones life. I relish the respect and appreciation that I am given in return for the guidance, direction and support. Here I am, a man who has recognized a girl's special needs/desires and not only do I not think she is crazy, I nurture and feed those new feelings, making her feel all the more special. This only magnifies her affection and passion for him.

I think it is that connection to the core of submissiveness within her and there is a greater appreciation and affection returned, there is a feeling of power at having unleashed those intense inner feelings within her, recognizing their acceptability, and having that glow directed back onto me. It is overwhelming in intensity at times; breathtaking, awe-inspiring and humbling all at the same time.

Providing the structure and control - routines that address positive changes, and routines that provide reinforcement and connection throughout her day, to know that I am there in her life, in her daily activities and that I am an ongoing influence, available, active, present and caring. An overwhelming gratitude spills back onto me for having unlocked and found, or notice and nurtured, those feelings she has never been allowed to expose and cultivate, and there is a joy to seeing the warm glow in her eyes, to hear it in her words and to feel it in her touch.

I recognize, sometimes just in flashes, the depth and wealth of what I have given to her, and what I get back from it are feelings of thankfulness, of affection, of joy and pleasure, of admiration, of loving and caring, that makes my heart float. Frankly, there are times that the glow back is overwhelming, frightening, and magnificent. Then, I stop and recognize that I have opened up something very special in her. And, I recognize that I am different, that I do evoke an emotional, psychological and even physical response in her that few ever have, and from her feedback, I am pleased, touched, and humbled.

That's what's in it for me.

Mother's Day - 2009

For all of you out there, who day in and day out, offer the love, and care, and affection only a mother can to her children; please know, there are little boys in all of us, of all ages, that can never do or say enough to share back the love, and affection, and care you have, and do, provide to us.

Bless you all.

On this Mother's Day, I am reminded of a post that gave me a new insight on mothers. It is not specifically about Mother's Day, but it struck me in a profound way. I think it is a wonderful statement about what mothers mean to daughters, and their children in general.

Since I first read this, it has become increasingly meaningful to me.

She used to say, when she was quite little, that she and I were the same person. “I am you, mama,” she would say, tiny hands on my cheeks. When she was a little older she began to self-correct that statement: “well, I am – I am like you, mama.”

Now she laughs a bit, “Remember when I used to think I was you?” and she shrugs, as if embarrassed. “Of course, I know we’re not the same person, mama.”

Under a Daughter's Gaze

Happy Mother's Day

2009