Authenticity

The Thinking Dominant, offers up thought provoking questions from time to time. Their subtext says, "Journal prompts and writing tasks for the Top's mind...because Dominants need help formulating their thoughts sometimes too...." I say, Amen to that.

They recently asked about Authenticity.

• What are your thoughts regarding those who primarily are attracted to BDSM because of its “transgressive” nature?
• Are dominants who embrace BDSM more as a fun, taboo way to explore sexuality any less authentic than those who have committed to the philosophy of BDSM/ base their relationships on power exchange regardless of the sexual elements?

Is an ethical Top less Authentic than an ethical Dominant? I don't think so. The notion seems to imply a kind of elitism, "my dominance is better because it fits into some predefined framework". After all, the definitions even tend to suggest that:

authenticity - the truthfulness of origins, attributions, commitments, sincerity, devotion, and intentions.

authentic - entitled to acceptance or belief because of agreement with known facts or experience.

There are any number of forums, particularly across the width and breadth of the Internet that seek to define peoples roles and kinks into finer and finer layers. I think that if people are truthful with themselves and their partners - then it doesn't really matter which side of the coin the Dominant falls on. At some point we get into too much parsing of roles and characteristics.

As in many other venues in life, people ought to celebrate their similarities, not their differences. Think of the differences as the flavorings, or toppings, or decorations on the lovely cakes that we all are.

It is certainly my personal opinion that developing a strong and deep and abiding relationship with someone I do such intimate things with is far more fulfilling and intense than just doing a scene on a stage for others to watch. However, I think that is true of nearly every connection with another human being, regardless of the activity.

Later That Morning

Continued from here
He collapsed forward, holding himself hovering over her, supporting his torso with his hands on either side of her hips, still in her mouth. She had relaxed into a quiet daze, moving her tongue around, back and forth, rolling him from cheek to cheek. He hooked his hand under her left knee and pulled it up close, kissing and licking her inner thigh, gently teasing the soft smooth flesh of her inner leg. They both were slow and woozy.

Finally he pushed himself up to a standing position, leaving her prone on the bed, and pulled his pants up and fastened them. He seated himself next to her head and smoothed her hair back, wiping the dampness from her forehead and brow, smiling at the look of contentment on her face. But he also noticed that smirk on her face as she took hold of his hand and took his thumb into her mouth, sucking on it again. Rather than take the chance she might bite him again, he pried her jaw open and removed his thumb, he said, "No, if you are going to bite, it is not going to be my thumb this time." He reached over into the pile of implements and pulled out the piece of hardwood dowel, one inch in diameter and five inches long. He rolled it around in his hand, loving the feel of the smooth finished texture, imagining how it would feel with her tooth marks in it. "Open wide sweetheart", as he pushed it into the back of her mouth, stretching her cheeks back slightly and lodging it between her molars. "Hold it tightly".

Once he was assured the gag was in place and she was settled, he told her to stay exactly where she was, on the bed, while he went down to Starbucks for their morning coffee. He took the elevator to the parking garage, went out to the car to get the second bag of implements, and then he took a leisurely walk around the casino. Then, he proceeded to Starbucks for coffee and orange juice.

When he returned to the room she was as he had left her, although she had moved back up onto the bed, resting, with her head on a single pillow and all of the bedding pushed back off to the side. She was stretched out with her arms just over the top of her head, left wrist crossed over her right, as if they were bound, but weren't. Her head was turned slightly to the left, tucked against her arm. She was stretched out, completely uncovered and naked, completely exposed to him. Her breasts heaved with her breathing, floating above her ribcage, nipples erect. He looked down her body, past her ribcage, her smooth stomach and navel, and noticed that her hips were twisted just slightly to her right, and for all of her nakedness and openness, her left thigh and knee was just over her right, not crossed, but enough to provide the smallest bit of modesty. She had the slightest smile on her face, looking content, despite the discomfort of the bit gag in her mouth.

He took hold of both wrists in his left hand and took the bit gag out of her mouth. She sighed and moved her mouth around, trying to get her lips and cheeks limbered back up. He had brought a towel, and used it to wipe drool from the side of her mouth, cheek and neck, roughly but baby talking her and teasing her about the mess. She took the teasing with good nature.

Then suddenly he let go of her wrists and placed his hand so it completely covered her mouth. His hand covered her mouth so she could not breathe or speak, and so that the heel of his palm was also blocking both of her nostrils. He looked intently into her eyes and could see the first signs of concern reflecting back as she realized she was not able to breathe and that he was not moving to let her. He kept his hand in place as she took hold of his arm and tried to move his hand. As she started to squirm more, he lifted his hand and she sucked in a large breath, and looked at him questioningly. After she took a couple deep breaths, he pushed his hand back down over her mouth and nostrils again, holding it there. He maintained strong eye contact, holding the smothering posture to a point just beyond "please stop". And he released his hand again.

Again she took deep breathes, and it appeared her trust in him might be faltering. For a third time, he moved his hand into place, and she immediately started to squirm and wiggle, and he grabbed tight onto right nipple, holding on tightly and keeping his hand over her mouth. And then, he lifted his hand off her mouth, let go her nipple, and sat back and let her catch her breath. She had a look in her eyes that was a mixture of startled, scared and very, very aroused. He smiled down at her to reassure her and his palm cupped the side of her face and his thumb roughly traced her lips, telling her, "Relax, it is okay." She was not sure that she believed him, but she trusted him.

He lifted her up into a sitting position and gave her the coffee. She sipped it and relaxed, calming herself, resting her head against his chest. They talked about her impending departure, confirmed her flight time, and held each other, hugging, knowing that their time would soon be over. She assured him that she was packed and had set the alarm for the time he would have to take her to the airport. They both avoided the words neither of them wanted to hear.

When she finished her coffee he took the cup and put it back on the nightstand, and told her to lie back down again. He climbed up onto the bed, and squatting above her, her head between his thighs, his knees at her shoulders. He reached into the bag he had brought and put the leather cuffs onto her wrists, holding her head snuggly between his thighs. He pulled her arms up to his sides and hooked the clips of the cuffs to his belt loops on each side of his jeans. He playfully and leisurely began swatting her breast with his hand, and then a little harder, and then more, watching her face for reaction. He again tightly gripped her right nipple; modulate her responsiveness by his intensity on the nipple and the slow but firm pace of swatting her breast. He finally could see in her eyes and breathing that she was worked up to the degree of arousal he was hoping for. He caressed her chest and rubbed his hands down to her stomach, rubbing her and feeling the warmth of her skin.

Again he reached into the bag and took out the small suede flogger, and saw her eyes light up. He started to slowly swish in back and forth across her breasts, first just grazing her nipples, working back and forth across her chest. She made small whimpering sounds, and her breathing began to deepen. Steadily he increased the force and lowered his aim, striking more and more of her breasts as he continued working the flogger back and forth across her chest. Slowly he worked his way down from her breasts onto her ribcage and changed from a side to side stroke to a circular swatting motion, moving from one side of her torso to the other and back. He worked his way down her body, watching her breathing and listening to the noises she made, judging when she was reaching her tolerance for each area. As he worked down from her chest, to her ribs, across her stomach, to her hips, her breathing was becoming more and more sharp, and her growing arousal was more and more obvious. Her responses to his words of reassurance were becoming more and more staccato and less coherent. She pulled her arms, trying to move them but the cuffs attached to his belt loops kept her arms in place and up out of the way.

As he worked the flogger across her hips and lower stomach, she reflexively opened her thighs more and more. He began to strike her inner thighs on each pass, and moved to striking her mound between her thighs. She began to writhe from side to side as the intensity rose within her. "Open", he repeated each time her reflexes tended to pull her thighs together and he continued to work her closer and closer to the edge, until her legs stiffened straight out, and she cried out, so loudly he placed his hand over her mouth this time, but did not obstruct her breathing and continued to steadily but more gently play the flogger onto her as she quivered deeper and deeper into her release.

And then she went completely limp, and he laid the flogger down over her so that the strands both covered her and still continued to touch her as she shivered and twitched her way down through the orgasm. He unhooked the cuffs from her wrists, letting her arms loose and lifted her up and hugged her, kissed her and let her breath. As her breathing began to settle, as her body started to relax and release the accumulated tension, they were both startled and jumped as the clock radio alarm rang out so loud and interrupted the quiet of the moment. He reached over and pressed the off button to silence the alarm. They laid there staring at each other, sadly, knowing that the visit was at its end.

Eventually, he gathered her bags, took her out to his car, and drove her to the airport for her journey back to reality.

Also mentoring?

Previously, I talked about Mentoring (with a capital M) and the traditional rules and practices relative to the Dominants who Mentor and the submissives they teach. Several comments revolved around the formality of the relationship and the defined separation between the Mentor and the student/mentee/protégé, and rightly so. That is, that there should be no intimacy and/or play between the Mentor and the submissive, and the construct of the Mentoring relationship was discussed.

There are certainly unscrupulous people who will take advantage of a girl in such a "mentoring" situation, to wit:
"I now have a mentor/protector the trouble is i feel He is treating me more like a sub. He asked me to shave myself, i just trimmed it, then He wanted photos. (he is supposedly an on line so called mentor) I've not taken these yet. The thing that worries me most is He asked me to go without panties for seven days. This terrifies me as i may be soon working in an area of child care. I emailed Him with these concerns and still haven't heard. I thought a mentor was meant to guide and support someone and not set tasks that i believe are too much for me."

This sounds like an example of exactly what I was talking about when I said, these rules are intended to create a sense of safety for the submissive, which "the community" deemed as perhaps young, and naive, and inexperienced, and susceptible to undue or unethical influence. In other words, the rule was created to protect the submissive from the Dominant. But perhaps the act of defining such roles and structures leads to the confusion and expectations this girl felt; that she would even question if it was possibly proper, if there were not some construct in place that suggested this man might have some sort of power over her. I cannot believe that any of the women I know would fall for this sort of treatment.

I think there are different constructs within the formality of these "communities", and the relationships that are formed within those communities or groups, can be different than the relationships that are formed between individuals. In general discussions, the terms, "mentor" and "mentoring" are used rather loosely to describe a wide range of roles and activities, and so the words have come to mean different things to different people. The formality of the role of Mentor in the leather community is a different than the role I, as a dominant, might fulfill answering questions from a submissive that reads my blog and sends me an email with questions, although she might very well consider it mentoring. And, if that correspondence continues on an ongoing basis, I might well be considered a mentor (with a small m), but that is certainly different from a Mentor.

And as that relationship develops, and she continues to think of him as her mentor, there is a likelihood that some affection and caring might develop, some intimacy. As many of you said, it seems that intimacy is inherent in the development and growth of the relationship. That the term mentor is used to describe the dominant in this kind of fledgling relationship might be a misnomer, but it is the word used by many people when forming a relationship. These submissives have not said, I want to go out and learn things from a teacher, I am going to find a mentor.

Perhaps the notion that a dominant/mentor that plays with a submissive is automatically being inappropriate is incorrect. And worse, I think it can be interpreted as insulting by implying that the submissive is too fragile or ignorant to be able to tell the difference between a learning experience and an experience of more emotional depth. I think it also paints the dominant as predatory and self-serving. Some people may be all those things, but I think making that general assumption is incorrect. In many cases it is just the natural evolution of a dominant and submissive relationship.

Every time I try to write about this I think I get stuck between the formal BDSM-D/s that is what communities are formed around, and the informal BDSM-D/s that is the personal thing that many of us feel is part and parcel of how we relate to a partner, as part of our routine day to day interactions, as part of foreplay and sex play, part of our emotional make-up.

I certainly appreciate the comments everyone provided previously, thank you all very much. I think both perspectives were well represented; the formal community-based notion that a Mentor is a teacher with limitations and boundaries constricting their role, and the more personal notion of a forming a relationship with a dominant who will be teaching them things about themselves and about BDSM-D/s, who they identify as a mentor.

There seems to be a lot of discussion of this topic out there in "the cloud", or perhaps it is just that since I have been thinking about it, I have somehow figuratively, stepped into the conversation stream.

Mentoring

The topic of being a Mentor, or Mentorship, comes up from time to time, and I always struggle with the answer. When I first became aware of BDSM and D/s, I also discovered that there were actual "communities" and the first thing you find out about communities is that they have rules, there were rituals, routines, laws, protocols and established practices that people are expected to abide by. That is true for both online communities and real life local communities or clubs, all having rules.

One of the cardinal rules that I learned early on from these communities, both online and local, had to do with Mentors. My understanding of a Mentor was that is was a Dominant who took a submissive(s) under his wing and was essentially a teacher or advisor. He was someone the submissive could turn to when she had questions, an authority, who got to know her and could provide proper perspective. Perhaps it was a question about protocol, or relationships, or BDSM techniques, anything really. But the cardinal rule was, there was to be no intimacy between the Mentor and the charge.

I am sure this rule is intended to create a sense of safety for the submissive, which "the community" deemed as perhaps young, and naive, and inexperienced, and susceptible to undue or unethical influence. In other words, the rule was created to protect the submissive from the Dominant. This has always been the definition of Mentor that I had always recognized, and accepted.

However, having never really "joined up" with any communities, it really didn't matter much to me, one way or the other, and acceptance of that definition seemed fine. And then I started this blog, and people started asking me questions. So, in an effort to be smart(er) I undertook to research the matter, and sure enough, those communities are out there still, and they still have their rules. And what I found was, everyone's rules are different, not really surprising.

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In read through many message boards and discussions groups, and I found that most who considered themselves "old guard" or "old school" had strict prohibitions about intimacy with a Mentor.

However, in searching through "published" sources, this was more typical:

"The submissive petitions the Dominant Mentor to train them while they are searching for the Dominant that they will serve the rest of their lives with. The submissive should be treated as if collared by the Dominant for life, until they are released to their formal Dominant. Usually if this type of training has taken place, the Dominant Mentor will assist the submissive in searching out and accepting the formal Dominant that they will serve." - Vixen Rose, Collars and Traditions

To her credit, her article says, "Includes: A special concern about the dilution of old traditions."

So, according to this definition, not only can the Mentor play with the submissive, he should essentially treat her as his collared submissive. That is certainly a dilution of the old tradition I learned.

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Another source I turned to is a woman I have known for over a decade, someone who is considered an Elder in the greater Leather community. From an FAQ she published:

Q. What about intimacy (physical, sexual, emotional, etc.) in the mentoring relationship? Do mentor's and mentee's work SM together? Is sex OK between mentor and mentee?

A. To play or not to play? is a question that the mentor and mentee will discuss when they set the ground rules for the mentoring relationship.

So, I thought, it seems that the old rule I learned has pretty much been turned on its head, but then:

Q. Are there limits on a mentor's control?

A. An SM mentoring relationship is not an SM relationship per se, that is, power exchange and role-play is not appropriate in the mentoring relationship. The mentor and mentee are equals, one is not dominant and the other submissive in the relationship. Both are equals, sharing a common leather journey together.

Clearly, this kind of relationship is in a completely different ballpark.

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And the deeper I dug, the more I kept running into varying definitions. Frankly it only led to even greater confusion on my part. So, I tucked all this research away for a while and thought about it, and forgot about it, and then thought some more, and have come to the following conclusion:

I do not agree that the Mentor's charge should be considered collared or owned by him, but I do agree that intimacy is okay between them if they agree to it. The thing that bothers me about the Vixen Rose definition is that seems to imply that if she accepts the mentorship, then she accepts the play/sex permission quid pro quo as well. That is the part I do not agree with.

In fact, I was talking to someone about this recently, and I said, it sounds like a friendship thing, almost "mentor with benefits". She said, "That doesn't sound that different from many relationships in this scene (blogosphere) that i've heard about? i mean, that's kind of what it's like in my life".

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I am coming to think that intimacy between a Mentor and his charge is not as uncommon as I once thought, particularly for those who are not in a Master/slave, collared or owned situation. And I think that is a good thing, it seems an aftificial and unnecessary barrier beween two people who are sharing a powerful and growing experience together. Perhaps I was stuck in those old community rules and roles learned so long ago.

One Foot in Each World

I discovered this blogosphere realm from a dominants site, I was Googling for some information and found a particularly good blog and it led me to a couple of blogs that attracted my further interest and attention, I read them for a while, and was inspired to begin my own. More and more my reading expanded, and over time I began to recognize a couple of distinctly different styles of blogs. I originally thought of them as the sex blogs and the BDSM blogs, although I don't know that those generalizations are wholly accurate. I guess I will just use the styles set by Love Boudoir to avoid making up my own semantics, Erotica and Kink. What follows are generalizations:

Erotica, featuring straight, vanilla, sometime edgy, but always delicious erotic pleasure..., I think these folks generally refer to themselves as sex bloggers, generally have a very open attitude toward sexual encounters, in fact the majority of their posts are centered on real or imagined/fantasized sexual encounters. Their posts are beautifully written prose or poetry describing the events, their feelings about them, and both their physical and emotional responses during and after those encounters. They are very sexy, very sensual and very erotic. The nature of the relationships ranged from married couples, to lovers, to casual encounters with total strangers, to even phone or Internet chat sex play.

Kink, gratification is just one fetish away, lust dances with a master and his slave, and pleasure stings like a whip..., often as not written by submissives describing their relationships and service with their master, owner(s) or play dominants. Their posts are also beautifully written and appear to be roughly a 50-50 mix of sensual descriptions of "scenes" or encounters, and discussions of the joys or tribulations of their service and submission. The nature of the relationships range from Master/slave couplings, to marriages with kink, to submissives collared to dominants, to dom/sub in long distance relationships.

I don't remember exactly how it was that I found myself in the sex blogger realm, most likely I followed the profile link of a commenter, and followed a link on their page and then another and then another. Sometimes I forgot to follow the bread crumbs back and lost my way. Slowly I got to widening my range of sites further and further, and went off on tangents that took me to a number of (what I would call) bizarre fetish blogs, like diapers, and baby bottles and other less than mainstream interests. Most often I followed the bread crumb trails back from there.

But also, the more I read some of the erotic/sex blogs I discovered some very strong submissive themes to the exploits being discussed. Some, who probably started out just exploring their sexuality, happened across some kink along the way and recognized a submissive interest, or a submissiveness within themselves that had been dormant or simply unobserved. There seems to be an undercurrent of sex bloggers who have a tendency toward bottoming, but still to a larger audience of partners.

Interestingly though, I do not find the same degree of cross over from the submissive blogs, no corresponding interest in exploring a variety of partners through a variety of sexual encounters. There are a number of slave/subs who find pleasure in being shared, or are positioned by their dominant or master where their sexuality is displayed or available to others. However, there does seem to be a greater tendency toward fidelity/commitment to one partner.

For the past couple weeks I have been paying particular attention to the blog rolls when I visit someone's page and find there is usually a pretty fair mix of links offered for others to explore. There does seem to be the 80-20 rule in effect though. I suppose that is as expected, although the other 20% of the links offers a surprising insight into their other interests, the amount of cross over seems to be growing, or is it just that my perception has changed?

I can certainly understand why a dominant/submissive would enjoy reading the blogs of sexually promiscuous/adventurous women with submissive tendencies, and vice verse. And why sexually adventurous women would enjoy the intensity of some of the kink they read on those others blogs. As a dominant I certainly enjoy reading the blog of a sexually adventurous women with submissive tendencies.

If you have gotten this far, and don't want to make any comment, I would appreciate it if you would take a minute to answer the poll over in the right side bar - if for no other reason than to assuage my curiosity about the kind of people that pass by. Thank you.

And thank you for taking part in my poll:

Total Votes 24
Erotica 2 (8%)
Kink 8 (34%)
Erotically Kinky 11 (47%)
Dominant 0 (0%) I didn't vote
Just Visiting 3 (13%)

Do you have an inclination for BDSM? - a quiz

You scored as a Dominant
Sex is about power and you like to be powerful. It's nice to be in charge and get what you want. And being in a position where people will do what you say is exciting.

93% - Dominant
64% - Experimental
57% - Sadist
46% - Exhibitionist/Voyeur
25% - Switch
21% - Bondage
18% - Degradation Lover

14% - Vanilla
7% - Submissive
7% - Masochist

Take me to the Quiz

(Note from the quiz author: This quiz doesn't cover all aspects of BDSM due to the length that such a comprehensive quiz would be. It is sex-based because the psychological reasons behind fetishes are complex and different for everyone to some degree.)

The Submissive Wife Project

I ran across an interesting website while browsing around and wonder if anyone has any experience with or knowledge of it? I know from limited reading that it is not a public forum and is passionate about guarding the privacy and content. You can start at their CommunityBlog which then has links to the rest of their public content.

It seems an interesting premise and I am curious if anyone knows or is involved?