Showing posts with label Rules. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Rules. Show all posts

September 20, 2013

Knock Knock - Flash Fiction Friday

Knocking several times and not getting any response, she leaned in close to the door and said,“Sir? Hello?” and still there was no response.

Against her better judgment, and her training, she balled up her fist and pounded on the door three times. Still there was no response, so she leaned in close again. Aiming her voice at the crack between the door jamb and door, and in a much louder voice, she said, “Sir? Are you there? Please answer!” She was alarmed how loudly her voice echoed in the courtyard and looked around embarrassed.

Leaning her ear against the door she listened for any sound inside the house. Finally she heard the sound of footsteps inside and spoke again, “Sir? Are you there?”

“Yes, I’m here, who is this?”

“It’s me Sir, Sally. I’ve come to get my forgotten shoes.”

Now she could hear his voice right at the door, but there was no sound of him unlatching or attempting to unlock and open the door.

“Sir, can you please open the door?”

“Hang on, I’ll go and get your shoes for you.”

“Sir, may I please come in, it’s not just my shoes that I’ve left behind.”



Word Max = 200, Word Min = 200, Bonus Words - None, Key Phrase - None - - Just tell a story

March 16, 2011

Frederick - Courtyard Afternoon

Continued from Agnes makes lunch

Frederick watched her walking away, enjoying the way her body moved. There was a natural flow to the dress, it clung at her hips and accented the shape of her buttocks. The hem of the skirt flipped up to the back of each thigh alternately as she took each step and her hair swung in cadence with her arms. He watched her as she climbed her way back up the spiral stairway until she disappeared into the building.

He turned and walked back toward the far corner of the courtyard. He wanted to inspect the bushes where Agnes had been foraging earlier. He wanted to see where she had gone and what she might have seen. As he approached the shrubs he saw her footprints in the soft soil and could see where she seemed to have carefully stepped over the ground cover and flowers and moved back into the bushes. There was a trail where she had passed most of the way through the bushes and had almost reached the walkway that was hidden behind the hedgerow. Frederick walked on through the hedge and onto the walkway along the edge of the building.

Moving along the edge of the building he heard a movement and rustling inside the shed. The sound made him smile. He spoke in a calm and soft voice, “Hello sweet girl.” Then he moved on along the walkway, past the screening and onto the garden tool shed. In the garden shed he picked up a rake and went about cultivating the ground both he and Agnes had walked across. He took the knife out of it’s sheath and pruned a few errant branches away. Satisfied, he returned the trimmings and the rake to the garden shed. As he walked back he heard the rustling again and he paused to lean in and look through the screening. There she was; such a beauty. He said, “Such a sweet girl,” then moved on and followed the walkway back around the far end of the hedgerow and followed the path back into the opening.

Frederick stood still, enjoying the afternoon sun shining on his back, warming him, soothing his sore muscles. He felt good. Finally he focused his attention on the courtyard. He looked around, surveying the areas where he would need to direct Franco to focus his attention. His mind engaged, trying to calculate the size of crew that would be best for the work to be done.


Off in to the distance he spotted Agnes coming down the stairway with the picnic basket on her arm, once again struggling with the tree branches. When she reached the bottom of the stairs and got out onto the pathway she moved the load to her hand. As she walked up to Frederick he reached out and gave her a broad smile and a small greeting hug.

“Thank you very much, Agnes. I was beginning to wonder if you had gotten lost, but I see you have been very busy.”

He took the basket from her, put his arm around her shoulder and lead her over toward the grassy knoll where they could spread out a picnic spot to sit and have a bite to eat. As they walked, she put her arm around his back. Her hand went around to his opposite side and fell onto the sheath of his knife.

“What is this Frederick?” she asked, grabbing and pulling at the sheath through his shirt.

“It’s a knife.”

Just then he stopped, set the basket on a wooden bench, took out the table cloth and spread it on the ground.

“This will be a nice spot for our little picnic. There is a nice view of the big trees from here and the sun will help keep us warm.”

He took Agnes’s hand and guided her down to a sitting position on the ground, turned and picked up the basket, sat down himself and placed the basket between them. Agnes immediately started pulling out plates and glasses and wrapped bundles of food. She pulled out a bottle of mineral water and handed it to Frederick to open. He was pleased that she had chosen mineral water rather than wine as he had suggested. While Agnes busied herself arranging sandwiches and coleslaw onto plates she smiled and handed the fruit to Frederick.

“Perhaps you can use your knife to cut these for us.”

Frederick peeled and sectioned the fruit, arranging pieces on each plate, along with the sandwiches and slaw.

He poured drinks for the two of them, setting the glasses on the bench behind them and then handed a plate to Agnes and took one for himself.

“This is a lovely meal you have prepared for us Agnes. This is much nicer than I imagined I had the making for in the house. Thank you very much.”

He handed her a glass, picked up his, smiled and offered a toast, “Bon appetit.” They tapped their glasses and took a good healthy drink. They both laughed, and settled quietly to eating. As they ate, Frederick talked more about the courtyard, specifically the need to have some maintenance work done. He pointed here and there as he talked, and Agnes followed his conversation and gestures, quietly taking in all of his explanation but not saying anything in response other than the occasional exclamation, indicating her attention and understanding.

After they finished eating, Agnes gathered the plates and linen and glasses and stowed them away back into the basket. Once everything was collected and put away Agnes reached down into the bottom of the basket and pulled out a little bag of wrapped chocolates she had found in the refrigerator. She offered the bag to Frederick who took it, smiling. He reached into the bag, took out a few pieces and offered some back to Agnes. She smiled in return and they ate the little chocolate dessert. When the chocolates were gone, Frederick folded the bag and put it back into the basket, pushed the basket up under the bench and laid back on the ground with his arms crossed under the back of his head. Agnes followed his lead, and laid out on her side facing Frederick and rested her head on her curled arms.


Frederick jerked his head up, not realizing he had even fallen asleep. He was groggy and dazed and disoriented. It seemed almost dark; the sun had gone down behind the buildings and the afternoon shade was heavy. He turned to speak to Agnes but she was not there.

“God damn it,” he thought to himself, “she has wandered off again.

Frederick sprung up and looked around, confused. He turning left, then right, still he could not see her. He walked down to the center of the courtyard where he could see in all directions. Still he could not see her. He walked back to the bench where they had eaten and wondered if her curiosity had drawn her to the corner again. He walked off in that direction looking here and there for her, but she was no where to be found. He reached the corner and there was no sign of her. He cursed again, and turned and headed back. When he rounded the hedges there she was, sitting on the bench, pulling the water bottle and a glass out of the picnic basket.

She stood up and said, “Oh, Frederick, there you are. This is such a beautiful place. I absolutely . . . ”

“Where have you been?” he interrupted.

She half turned and pointed off behind herself and said, “I was just looking at the little pond of koi over there.”

“This is the second time you have wandered off from me, even after I instructed you not to stray.”

“But you were napping and I wanted to let you rest. I heard the little waterfall there and went to have a look at it.”

“I am very disappointed in your behavior and am not sure what it is going to take to impress upon you the importance of following my instructions.”

“But Frederick, I just walked over there by the little pond.”

“Agnes, I told you I understand your curiosity but I cannot have you wandering off.”

“Frederick, I am sorry, I . . .” but she trailed off, lowering her head.

“I have already told you that ‘I am sorry’ is not good enough. When you are with me, you will follow my instructions or there is no point.”

“Frederick, I don’t understand why you are being so mean. Do you not want me to be here? Would you rather I leave?”

Frederick stepped forward and grabbed hold of her shoulder. She had to look up to see his face as he spoke.

“Stand here and be still. I very much want you here, but you can not just roam free. This is the second time you have wandered off, even after I told you not to. I have good reason to insist that you stay put and not go off by yourself.”

He reached down and untied the rope that was around Agnes’s waist, and stretched it out. He folded it in half, took out his knife and cut the rope into two equal pieces. He tossed the pieces over his shoulder.

“Sit down on the bench.”

Agnes just stood there, looking back at Frederick. Frederick looked directly into her eyes, with his own steady gaze. She had a defiant look, although he thought he saw her lip quivering.

“Did you hear me?”

“I heard you.”

“Sit down Agnes.”

“No.”

“Agnes,” and then he paused with his gaze locked onto her eyes, returning his own resolute determination, "You need to do as you are told, or you can go home right now."

Still she continued to look up at him, unmoving but her eyes were softening. Frederick stood his ground, looking directly into her eyes, his expression placid, but determined.

“Agnes, please sit down on the bench.”

Very slowly, reluctantly, she stepped back, glanced behind herself and sat down on the bench. She sat huddled, looking up at Frederick.

"Are you going to do as you are told?"

She sat and stared, silent, as if still weighing the choices. Then, she slumped in resignation and nodded her head.

“Are you sure this is what you want?”

Again, she was silent, just nodding her head, settling into the seat even more.

Frederick said, “Trust me Agnes, you will understand soon enough.” She just sat quietly, seemingly resigned to her choice.

Frederick removed the bandannas from around his neck and folded them neatly into a wide blindfold. He went around behind Agnes and placed the blindfold across her eyes then pulled it taut to the back of her head and tied three sound knots. He came back around and asked, “How does that feel? Is it comfortable?”

Her response was a soft and simple, “It is okay.”

“Now I am going to bind your legs and wrists.”

Agnes nodded her head.

Frederick pushed her skirt half way up her thighs then took hold of her knees and positioned them directly together. He wrapped the rope under the back of her knees, then up across the top of her thighs, and back around underneath, three wraps around. Then he wrapped the rope around the coils, down between her thighs and knees, cinching the other wrappings tighter, and tied off the ends.

“Put your hands behind your back.” She balked at this, but Frederick stood in still silence, waiting for her to respond, “Well?” Finally she did as he asked. He went around behind the bench and wrapped the rope around her wrists, and then around itself, just as he had done with her knees. He wrapped the ends of rope through one of the rails of the bench seat and tied it tight.

“Comfortable?”

She did not answer.

After a moment he said, “Sit here and be still. Do not attempt to move or change position. Sit absolutely still. Even if you hear me talking, or I talk to you, do not respond. I need you to be quiet. I will let you know very directly if and when it is okay for you to move or to speak, and until I do, be quiet. Is that clear?”

“Yes, Frederick.”

He put his hands on her shoulders, “I am going away for a few minutes but won’t be far off. If you hear me returning, do not speak to me, be still and be quiet.“

“Please don’t leave me here by myself, not like this.”

“It will be alright Agnes, trust me, you will never be out of my sight, but I need you to be silent and still.”


Frederick walked the path to the hedgerow and turned down the walkway along the edge of the building. When he reached the screening he looked in again and muttered a soft “Hello.” He took out his keys and unlocked the door to the inner room of the shed. He closed and latched the outer door and then took down a leash from the tack wall opposite the inner door. It was a short sturdy leash, perhaps 2 feet long, heavy rolled leather, with brass hardware at one end, and a wrist loop at the other. He draped the leash around the back of his neck and opened the inner door and walked in, closing it behind him.

He stepped forward slowly and bent down on one knee. He spoke in a calm and soft voice, “Hello sweet girl, how are you?” He reached out and took gentle handfuls of jowls and affectionately rubbed with his thumbs. She offered no resistance and clearly enjoyed the affection. He pulled the leash off his shoulders and clipped the brass snap to the ring on the collar. He stood, pulled up on the leash and she got to her feet and followed him to the door.

He led her through the inner door, then unlatched and opened the outer door. They walked on through and out into the courtyard, down the walkway and back toward the clearing. When they turned into the clearing, she started off to the right, almost walking in front of Frederick and nearly tripping him. He jerked on the lead and returned her to his left side and she fell back into a proper pace, at his side and slightly back and half step or so, just as she had been trained.

They followed the winding path and arrived at the clearing and Frederick could see Agnes sitting on the bench, exactly as he had left her although she had crossed her ankles and tucked her feet back under the bench. She did not look relaxed, which did not surprise him. He knew this was a challenging situation for her, for anyone really, to be contained so tightly, bound and blindfolded. He could imagine how her mind was racing, trying to make sense of it all while struggling to accept his control and instruction and accept this predicament.

Rather than sitting relaxed, she seemed hyper-alert. She turned her head in his direction as he approached. It was as if she was watching him coming toward her. When he passed in front of Agnes, Frederick turned and circled around behind the bench and stopped immediately behind her. He saw Agnes make very slight movements of her head as if trying to focus her ears to the sounds around her, but other than that she was remaining completely still and silent, exactly as he had instructed her.

“Agnes, I am going to untie your hands but I want you to keep them behind you. Do not move in anyway. Nod your head slightly if you understand.”

Agnes nodded her head.

Frederick reached down, pulled the knot loose, and unwrapped the rope from around her wrists. Agnes moved her hands to shrug the rope off, but then clasped her hands together again. Frederick pulled the rope loose and let it drop to the ground.

He circled back around in front of the bench, and stopped directly in front of Agnes. He tightened his hold on the lead, pulled it forward and they closed the distance to Agnes.

“Agnes, you are going to feel some movement. I want you to continue to remain calm and still. Understood?”

Agnes slowly moved her head up and down.

“Good girl. You will feel some movement of the bench and maybe some touch. In a minute I am going to reach out and remove your blindfold so you can see. Do not be alarmed. Everything is under control. I have the situation completely in hand.”

Agnes slowly nodded her head again.


Frederick pull the lead forward so the cat was standing directly in front of Agnes, sniffing at her knees, and putting her nose in the air. She was tasting the scent of this stranger in front of her. She was completely calm, but very curious. She turned her head and looked at Frederick and he offered her comfort and calm; more sounds than words. He stepped back and pulled up and forward on the lead. She rose up and moved closer, standing on her hind legs and putting her wide front paws on the bench, on either side of Agnes’s legs. She was eye to eye with Agnes, still sniffing the air around this new person.

She turned her head to Frederick again, and he said, “Good girl, just be calm, everything is fine.”

He realized suddenly that Agnes probably thought he was talking to her, and said, “Okay Agnes, now I am going to remove your blindfold and introduce you to my friend. Close your eyes and only open them on my command. Again, everything is fine, just relax and do not speak yet.”

Frederick sat down on the edge of the bench, reached over and pulled the blindfold up and off Agnes’s head, noticing that her eyes were indeed closed, tightly. He held off saying anything for a minute, to give everything a moment to settle down, and then, “Okay, Agnes, you can open your eyes now.”

Agnes opened her eyes and pulled her head back, startled. Her eyes opened even wider with the realization. There was shock and alarm in her eyes but she did not appear to be panicked. She sat stark still, staring up into the cats face. She was frozen and Frederick noticed that she was holding her breath. Frederick put his hand on her shoulder, massaging, and felt the tension in her muscles.

“Agnes, just relax and let your breath out. Everything is under control and there is no danger here.”

Frederick looked at the cat to affirm his control and saw that she was completely calm, but was definitely curious about this new person.

“This is Sheaden. She belongs to the man who owns the corner building. He is affiliated with the circus company here in town.”

At the mention of her name, the cat reared her head and leaned it to the side, looking at Frederick like she was expecting something. He looked at Agnes and saw she still had not moved, although she was breathing. He rubbed her shoulder and the back of her neck.

“Agnes, she is retired from the circus and was brought here to live a quiet and peaceful life. She is completely tame. She has always been very good with people, but she can be very protective of this space, her home.”

Frederick felt the muscles in her shoulder and back relaxing. He continued to rub her neck and she had turned her gaze to him, watching him speak. She seemed to be drawing calm from his words and relaxed, matter of fact manner.

“You can bring your hands up slowly now and reach out and pet her.”

But Agnes did not make a move, she just sat still, looking back and forth between Frederick and the cat in front of her.

“Go ahead Agnes,” and he slid his hand down her arm and encouraged her to move it forward. “She is familiar with you now and will not react to your attention or touch, other than perhaps to purr.” Frederick hoped this light hearted remark and a smile would help her relax even further.

Agnes slowly brought her hand up and placed it on the side of the cat’s neck, working her fingers into the cat’s fur and scratching slowly, tentatively. Sheaden tilted her head slightly in response to the scratching behind her ear and a deep rumble came from within her chest. Frederick knew the cat liked to be scratched behind the ear and was smiling in her own way.

“She is very much enjoying your attention, you are scratching her in exactly the right place, just behind her ear. She is smiling at you and voicing her pleasure.”

Agnes gave a slight smile to Frederick and continued petting her. Agnes was noticeably more relaxed now, she seemed to feel safe again.

“She is a beautiful animal Frederick, and she does seem friendly and calm. This is why you did not want me exploring on my own?”

“I assure you, if you had come up upon her in her den she would not have been calm and friendly. There is no telling how she would have reacted to you, but I can assure you she would have become very territorial. For now I have her relaxed and under control. Since you are with me, and she was allowed to get a sense of you, this is going to be okay. As long as you are in my company, you do not present a threat to her or her territory.”

Agnes smiled, and nodded. She was now stroking and scratching and caressing the cats head, neck and ears with both hands. Frederick settled on the bench next to Agnes while she played with the cat. He reached down and undid the bindings around her knees. After he was done, he sat back and watched his two girls interacting and enjoying each other. He leaned on the bench back and put his arm around Agnes’s shoulders, massaging them slightly, enjoying the feel of her skin under his hands.

Agnes seemed to take to the cat naturally now. She had lost the palpable sense of fear and was showing a great appreciation for the animal. That pleased him, it was still another interesting twist to this young country girl who seemed to be such a mix of contradictory experiences and perspectives; fascinating.

Finally, Frederick broke into the silence and said that it was getting dark and it would be best for him to return Sheaden to her shed. He told Agnes to gather everything together while he was gone so that when he returned they could go back to the apartment.

“We will get dressed and I will take you out to dinner. It has been a long day, we have been through an ordeal and the weekend is coming. I think we deserve a little celebration.”

Agnes smiled at his suggestion and seemed pleased that the day would continue onto the evening. Frederick was quietly thrilled at the way Agnes responded. As he returned Sheaden to her shed, his thoughts wondered onto just how far he could probably take Agnes. Under the right circumstances, there was probably nothing that she couldn’t do.

From Agnes's perspective

July 1, 2010

Thoughts about Rules





The core of her comment, "as for resenting the rules, i have no idea. i've never done this sort of thing before. however, just because the rules are made doesn't mean that they can't be changed! if i were to start feeling resentful of rules, obviously we would sit down and discuss and make changes. i wouldn't resent luke, because this is all a collaborative process... we chose together to have rules because we thought it would be sexy, so if it stops being sexy then there is no reason to continue having rules."

As a dominant I love reactions to rules, admittedly they are not always positive but when they are, it is the icing on the cake of the Dom/sub relationship. How much fun it is to get these kinds of reactions:
  • . . . a shower when I get home from work, against my resistance to water and time spent, but following his instructions anyway turning me on . . .
  • I enjoyed the reading more and more because I was doing what he had told me to do . . .
  • The instruction was simple, and it came with the beginning of a story, to add to my distraction.
  • I start thinking about rules. I like rules. What could be a list of rules?
  • . . . doing sexual things I don't want to because someone's enjoying making me.
Of course there are going to be serious rules too, made for the welfare or well being of one or the other, or both people. But on balance, make rules that titillate, challenge, arouse, frustrate, tease, entertain, stimulate, and so on.

Again, if you start resenting rules, sit down and change them, don't let that resentment creep into the relationship, and poison the fun. Relationships are supported to be fun, no? Yes!

"If you're not in it for fun, I'm outta here!"

April 19, 2010

Moving with Force


Read enough blogs, documenting relationships ranging from the most extreme M/s owners, to the sweetest Daddy/little girl connections, and you begin to see the wide range of methods and techniques used to move things along, particularly the degree of influence imparted by the dominant member of the relationship. This is particularly true of training techniques but in many instances actually apply to the entire conduct of the relationship, influencing the entire interaction. It becomes apparent when something goes wrong, when things are off track and corrective action needs to be taken.

The previous post, force, was an attempt to put the idea out there and clarify my thinking, and engage with a few readers from their reaction to that small offering. It came to me during this process that control = force. I had always thought of force as a S&M practice, and overlooked the subtle but effective use of force in all methods of control. The concept of force runs the gambit of techniques employed: force, enforce, reinforce and reinforcement, each an exertion of the dominants will and dominion, over the behavior of the submissive but with radically varying degrees of application. I think a large degree of that is implied by the kind of connection that is present between the parties involved. It is also clear that some aspects of all four categorizations are likely employed at one time or another in nearly all relationships.

Force:
a powerful effect or influence; to cause to do through pressure or necessity, by physical, moral or intellectual means, coerce.
I think the strictest Master/slave relationship involves the potential for the greater degree of pure force - a powerful effect or influence; where the Master is likely to cause things to be done through pressure or necessity, by physical, moral or intellectual means, by applying coercion.

This may well include the routine application of moving a girl along, literally, physically, by grabbing hands full of her hair or tightly gripping her collar and literally dragging her to where she needs to go. It may likely not involve any degree of intellectual instruction at all, but rather just the absolute application of physical force. Even routinely grabbing her and pulling her along, come this way, follow along, and she will, because she is yours, and trusts you or fears you. So, you could MAKE the sub do something through force.

This might include prolonged restraint, caging, physical restrictions, and whippings and beating, real and earnest applications of force.

Enforce:
ensure observance of rules; compel to behave in a certain way - to keep up, impose or bring into effect something, not necessarily by force.
When you talk about how your girl might feel about being restricted, and she thinks the control might be interesting, "really like the idea of somehow being controlled."

You set rules for her, that provide direction and guidance but at other times she has to walk the path, with you right behind her, offering words of encouragement, or correction or perspective, "if you do this or that, here is what will happen". Or, provide a good environment in which she can do something that one time, and then enforce the repetition of the behavior.

Consider the idea of a control that insists, rather than restricts? So many times, we Doms/Tops implement directives that take away something desired, but what about the idea of requiring something that is not a burning desire? An example might be orgasm control, which is often exercised as orgasm denial or limitation, but can also be a rule that insists on orgasms.

This might occasionally blend in some of the rougher, dragging approach, with an ebb and flow, harsh, aggressive at times, friendly, slow and smooth at other times.

Reinforce:
to strengthen, especially by addition or augmentation; to emphasize or review; to encourage a behavior or idea through repeated stimulus.
There are times when the dominant backs off, giving a certain degree of slack to see how well the lesson has been learned. But he may still be nudging with a slight tap or push for the left or the right, correcting the course, needing to watch, pay attention, but not always intervening, teach her the way for herself, with guidance. This involves observing behavior, and reinforcing the positive actions while criticizing but not necessarily punishing the missteps. Ultimately, submission is what the girl gives, not what the dominant takes.

Reinforcement:
a process in which a behavior is strengthened; increasing the probability that a response will occur by either presenting a contingent positive event or removing a negative event.
Where do you want to go? What do you want to change? How can my guidance, dominance, and reinforcement be applied to your life in such a way that you accomplish your goals, and then set about to do it, with subtle and not so subtle reminders, go do it "now".

Some times you might even let go so fully that she doesn't even feel the control any more, or in fact she feels the absence of the control, the looseness, at odds, at wits end. Once having had the comfort and safety and assurance of guidance and control, what does it feel like to have that taken away, quite nearly the complete opposite of force, the complete removal of influence, other than presence, reinforcement of the feeling and idea of control rather than cranking down the control.

Or it might include setting up ongoing situations where doing that thing brings her peace and contentment and rather than feeling forced, she feels embraced and wants to do it of her own volition and to please. This kind of commitment to purpose is at the heart of submission, it is not compliance by force, but simply reinforcement of her dedication to purpose. It might also include companioning, guiding her along as she deals with an issue. Or, slowly and methodically moving her forward, clearing the path of obstacles, hers and the worlds, like curling?


It is always interesting to read blogs and see what kinds of force are employed, or not to correct misbehavior or a failure to follow rules. It is just as common to read about overly lax responses as it is to read about overly forceful actions.

September 30, 2009

Discrimination

I made a seemingly casual comment, and she lashed out, "Sexist!"

I responded, "Not me, just gender biased. And discrimination is a two way street. And I offer the following evidence. "

Once again discrimination rears its ugly head . . .

July 9, 2009

Authenticity

The Thinking Dominant, offers up thought provoking questions from time to time. Their subtext says, "Journal prompts and writing tasks for the Top's mind...because Dominants need help formulating their thoughts sometimes too...." I say, Amen to that.

They recently asked about Authenticity.
  • What are your thoughts regarding those who primarily are attracted to BDSM because of its “transgressive” nature?
  • Are dominants who embrace BDSM more as a fun, taboo way to explore sexuality any less authentic than those who have committed to the philosophy of BDSM/ base their relationships on power exchange regardless of the sexual elements?
Is an ethical Top less Authentic than an ethical Dominant? I don't think so. The notion seems to imply a kind of elitism, "my dominance is better because it fits into some predefined framework". After all, the definitions even tend to suggest that:

authenticity - the truthfulness of origins, attributions, commitments, sincerity, devotion, and intentions.

authentic - entitled to acceptance or belief because of agreement with known facts or experience.

There are any number of forums, particularly across the width and breadth of the Internet that seek to define peoples roles and kinks into finer and finer layers. I think that if people are truthful with themselves and their partners - then it doesn't really matter which side of the coin the Dominant falls on. At some point we get into too much parsing of roles and characteristics.

As in many other venues in life, people ought to celebrate their similarities, not their differences. Think of the differences as the flavorings, or toppings, or decorations on the lovely cakes that we all are.

It is certainly my personal opinion that developing a strong and deep and abiding relationship with someone I do such intimate things with is far more fulfilling and intense than just doing a scene on a stage for others to watch. However, I think that is true of nearly every connection with another human being, regardless of the activity.

January 14, 2009

Responsibilities of a Submissive

I received this list in email from one of the local BDSM clubs, and share it for your consideration. Perhaps they are all just common sense:

Spend adequate time exploring yourself, your needs and desires. Learn what your needs, desires and goals are; define them adequately. Make a list.

Learn the difference between what you need and what you want. Sometimes you cannot have both. Be careful what you wish for . . . you may just get it.

Educate yourself - make the most of the resources that are available, but don't believe everything you hear or read. Trust reputable sources, but make your own mind up about what is the truth.

Learn and understand your limitations, in depth.

Remember you have the right to "ask". Remember common sense, and use it.

Remember the choice to submit is not a sign of weakness it is an adult choice.

Be aware of the difference between consensual BDSM and abuse. Do not suffer abuse from anyone. If it is not consensual on behalf of both parties, it is abuse.

Learn how to negotiate. Don't be afraid to ask, question and communicate. Be honest with yourself.

Respect yourself and be respectful of others who deserve of it.

Recognize that your submission is given freely and that it is not something to be taken by force. Choose wisely to whom you give.

Accept responsibility for your own happiness and welfare.

Balance your submission with the other areas of your life.

Remember that you have the right to say "No".

Never let anyone take your self-dignity away. Like yourself, love yourself, be your own best friend.

Remember others also have agendas and they may not be the same as yours. Don't allow yourself to be used, unless of course, that is part of your kink.

Communicate your needs to your partner, ask for what you desire (do not demand or expect).

Because you choose to submit to a partner does not mean you are submissive to anyone else.

Communicate your limits to your partner. Expect them to be respected. Refuse to participate in any activity outside of your limits or that you are not ready for. Accept your partner’s limits. (Yes, Dominants have limits too.) They also have the right to say "No".

Communicate your feelings without blame or guilt. Be as interested in what your partner feels and says as you are in yourself. Remember that you and your partner are human and entitled to understanding, compassion and support.

Refuse to allow yourself to be abused, be it emotionally, physically, or psychologically.

Forgive yourself and your partner for mistakes.

Ask your partner for help when you need it.

Expect respect from your partner. Respect your partner.

Be appreciative of the gift of Domination that your partner gives to you.

Take pride and strive for excellence in your submission as you do in everyday life.
Take pride in your appearance.

It is your responsibility to be of good health and to advise your partner of any change in that regard.

Listen to your partner and His/Her needs and desires.

Be willing to consider, with an open mind, what your partner suggests or requests.

Understand that it takes two to make a partnership work. Be willing to accept your share of the blame when things go wrong.

Remember that before D/s, basic humanness comes first. Know when it is time to set aside D/s and be a helper, friend, lover, husband, mother, wife or whatever.

Be patient. Growth takes time.


November 12, 2008

Allowing Submissives to Vote

There is a web blog called "The Thinking Dominant, Growth Through Mental Exercise" that offers up thought provoking questions from time to time, I have come to think of them as sort of Dom-me-me's. In fact their About says, "Journal prompts and writing tasks for the Top's mind...because Dominants need help formulating their thoughts sometimes too...."
They recently asked about Voting.

Their entry was posted on Tuesday, November 4th, 2008 at Noon and is filed under Relationships.

I am just getting around to responding because frankly, I initially thought it was a pretty silly question. But the more I thought about it, I decided to give it some attention, perhaps because while I am astonished by the question, if they are asking the question, then there might actually be people who thought this way. Or, perhaps that is part of what a Master/slave commitment might include? I would argue against such a defaulting.

Here are their questions, and my answers.
The right to vote, a privilege to everyone in the US. To those in a D/s relationship, it may have been gifted along with the submissive.

Will you be voting today?
Actually, I voted within two hours of the start of early voting here in Nevada, on October 20th.

Do you allow your submissive to vote?
In the context of this post/question, if I had "owned property" I would insist that she studied the issues, the candidates and participated in the process as an informed active voter. I think of voting much more as a duty for every citizen, not just a privilege, and my direction would be to exercise that duty or right.

Are they able to vote for themselves or do you tell them who to vote for?
I would provide my thinking as part of the study and understanding process; however, I would expect that she decide for herself. I suppose that choosing not to vote would be a possibility, but I would be insistent on a knowledgeable and informed decision. And would counsel vehemently for voting.

Why do you feel this is a sensitive topic amongst the community?
I did not realize it was a sensitive topic in the community but can imagine it might be if the perspective offered by even asking the question has any legs. I see my role as a dominant as providing for her betterment, and for me that is enhancing her abilities in intellectual matters, not substituting mine for hers.

October 19, 2008

Also mentoring?

Previously, I talked about Mentoring (with a capital M) and the traditional rules and practices relative to the Dominants who Mentor and the submissives they teach. Several comments revolved around the formality of the relationship and the defined separation between the Mentor and the student/mentee/protégé, and rightly so. That is, that there should be no intimacy and/or play between the Mentor and the submissive, and the construct of the Mentoring relationship was discussed.

There are certainly unscrupulous people who will take advantage of a girl in such a "mentoring" situation, to wit:
"I now have a mentor/protector the trouble is i feel He is treating me more like a sub. He asked me to shave myself, i just trimmed it, then He wanted photos. (he is supposedly an on line so called mentor) I've not taken these yet. The thing that worries me most is He asked me to go without panties for seven days. This terrifies me as i may be soon working in an area of child care. I emailed Him with these concerns and still haven't heard. I thought a mentor was meant to guide and support someone and not set tasks that i believe are too much for me."

This sounds like an example of exactly what I was talking about when I said, these rules are intended to create a sense of safety for the submissive, which "the community" deemed as perhaps young, and naive, and inexperienced, and susceptible to undue or unethical influence. In other words, the rule was created to protect the submissive from the Dominant. But perhaps the act of defining such roles and structures leads to the confusion and expectations this girl felt; that she would even question if it was possibly proper, if there were not some construct in place that suggested this man might have some sort of power over her. I cannot believe that any of the women I know would fall for this sort of treatment.

I think there are different constructs within the formality of these "communities", and the relationships that are formed within those communities or groups, can be different than the relationships that are formed between individuals. In general discussions, the terms, "mentor" and "mentoring" are used rather loosely to describe a wide range of roles and activities, and so the words have come to mean different things to different people. The formality of the role of Mentor in the leather community is a different than the role I, as a dominant, might fulfill answering questions from a submissive that reads my blog and sends me an email with questions, although she might very well consider it mentoring. And, if that correspondence continues on an ongoing basis, I might well be considered a mentor (with a small m), but that is certainly different from a Mentor.

And as that relationship develops, and she continues to think of him as her mentor, there is a likelihood that some affection and caring might develop, some intimacy. As many of you said, it seems that intimacy is inherent in the development and growth of the relationship. That the term mentor is used to describe the dominant in this kind of fledgling relationship might be a misnomer, but it is the word used by many people when forming a relationship. These submissives have not said, I want to go out and learn things from a teacher, I am going to find a mentor.

Perhaps the notion that a dominant/mentor that plays with a submissive is automatically being inappropriate is incorrect. And worse, I think it can be interpreted as insulting by implying that the submissive is too fragile or ignorant to be able to tell the difference between a learning experience and an experience of more emotional depth. I think it also paints the dominant as predatory and self-serving. Some people may be all those things, but I think making that general assumption is incorrect. In many cases it is just the natural evolution of a dominant and submissive relationship.

Every time I try to write about this I think I get stuck between the formal BDSM-D/s that is what communities are formed around, and the informal BDSM-D/s that is the personal thing that many of us feel is part and parcel of how we relate to a partner, as part of our routine day to day interactions, as part of foreplay and sex play, part of our emotional make-up.

I certainly appreciate the comments everyone provided previously, thank you all very much. I think both perspectives were well represented; the formal community-based notion that a Mentor is a teacher with limitations and boundaries constricting their role, and the more personal notion of a forming a relationship with a dominant who will be teaching them things about themselves and about BDSM-D/s, who they identify as a mentor.

There seems to be a lot of discussion of this topic out there in "the cloud", or perhaps it is just that since I have been thinking about it, I have somehow figuratively, stepped into the conversation stream.

September 29, 2008

Mentoring

The topic of being a Mentor, or Mentorship, comes up from time to time, and I always struggle with the answer. When I first became aware of BDSM and D/s, I also discovered that there were actual "communities" and the first thing you find out about communities is that they have rules, there were rituals, routines, laws, protocols and established practices that people are expected to abide by. That is true for both online communities and real life local communities or clubs, all having rules.

One of the cardinal rules that I learned early on from these communities, both online and local, had to do with Mentors. My understanding of a Mentor was that is was a Dominant who took a submissive(s) under his wing and was essentially a teacher or advisor. He was someone the submissive could turn to when she had questions, an authority, who got to know her and could provide proper perspective. Perhaps it was a question about protocol, or relationships, or BDSM techniques, anything really. But the cardinal rule was, there was to be no intimacy between the Mentor and the charge.

I am sure this rule is intended to create a sense of safety for the submissive, which "the community" deemed as perhaps young, and naive, and inexperienced, and susceptible to undue or unethical influence. In other words, the rule was created to protect the submissive from the Dominant. This has always been the definition of Mentor that I had always recognized, and accepted.

However, having never really "joined up" with any communities, it really didn't matter much to me, one way or the other, and acceptance of that definition seemed fine. And then I started this blog, and people started asking me questions. So, in an effort to be smart(er) I undertook to research the matter, and sure enough, those communities are out there still, and they still have their rules. And what I found was, everyone's rules are different, not really surprising.

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In read through many message boards and discussions groups, and I found that most who considered themselves "old guard" or "old school" had strict prohibitions about intimacy with a Mentor.

However, in searching through "published" sources, this was more typical:

"The submissive petitions the Dominant Mentor to train them while they are searching for the Dominant that they will serve the rest of their lives with. The submissive should be treated as if collared by the Dominant for life, until they are released to their formal Dominant. Usually if this type of training has taken place, the Dominant Mentor will assist the submissive in searching out and accepting the formal Dominant that they will serve." - Vixen Rose, Collars and Traditions

To her credit, her article says, "Includes: A special concern about the dilution of old traditions."

So, according to this definition, not only can the Mentor play with the submissive, he should essentially treat her as his collared submissive. That is certainly a dilution of the old tradition I learned.

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Another source I turned to is a woman I have known for over a decade, someone who is considered an Elder in the greater Leather community. From an FAQ she published:

Q. What about intimacy (physical, sexual, emotional, etc.) in the mentoring relationship? Do mentor's and mentee's work SM together? Is sex OK between mentor and mentee?
A. To play or not to play? is a question that the mentor and mentee will discuss when they set the ground rules for the mentoring relationship.

So, I thought, it seems that the old rule I learned has pretty much been turned on its head, but then:

Q. Are there limits on a mentor's control?
A. An SM mentoring relationship is not an SM relationship per se, that is, power exchange and role-play is not appropriate in the mentoring relationship. The mentor and mentee are equals, one is not dominant and the other submissive in the relationship. Both are equals, sharing a common leather journey together.

Clearly, this kind of relationship is in a completely different ballpark.



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And the deeper I dug, the more I kept running into varying definitions. Frankly it only led to even greater confusion on my part. So, I tucked all this research away for a while and thought about it, and forgot about it, and then thought some more, and have come to the following conclusion:

I do not agree that the Mentor's charge should be considered collared or owned by him, but I do agree that intimacy is okay between them if they agree to it. The thing that bothers me about the Vixen Rose definition is that seems to imply that if she accepts the mentorship, then she accepts the play/sex permission quid pro quo as well. That is the part I do not agree with.

In fact, I was talking to someone about this recently, and I said, it sounds like a friendship thing, almost "mentor with benefits". She said, "That doesn't sound that different from many relationships in this scene (blogosphere) that i've heard about? i mean, that's kind of what it's like in my life".


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I am coming to think that intimacy between a Mentor and his charge is not as uncommon as I once thought, particularly for those who are not in a Master/slave, collared or owned situation. And I think that is a good thing, it seems an aftificial and unnecessary barrier beween two people who are sharing a powerful and growing experience together. Perhaps I was stuck in those old community rules and roles learned so long ago.

June 2, 2008

Ten Pretty Good Rules

These rules have no specific purpose, but will serve you well as humor, and are not a bad perspective to use when dealing with the vagaries of daily life.
  1. Never wrestle with a pig; you both get dirty and the pig likes it.
  2. Never argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.
  3. Observe everything; admire nothing.
  4. It's easier to obtain forgiveness than it is permission.
  5. Rarely resist the opportunity to keep your mouth shut.
  6. Don't ask the question if you cannot live with the answer.
  7. If you want a new idea, read an old book.
  8. If you don't know where you're going, any road will get you there.
  9. Never have a philosophy which supports a lack of courage.
  10. Never look back unless you intend to go that way.